Shall We Talk?

Didn’t felt like doing any work today, especially I had just finished three presentations and one assignment this week. Friday naturally became a self-imposed day to unwind. How appealing that would be for a time deprived person like me.

To add to the ecstasy, I end classes early on Fridays. I am free to leave NIE after 1230.

There was only one thing in mind when I hopped onto the train on my way home: I desperately needed to catch up on some sleep! My bed had never looked more enticing (although it had always been). Nonetheless I wouldn’t mind lying there for a few good hours like a dead log. Sleep had always been such a luxury.

The level of fatigue in me caught me by surprise as well. I could not believe I actually could lose a fraction of my consciousness just by sitting in the train. I was fighting a losing battle against myself over the control of my eyelids. Never realised that eyelids required so much strength to lift. I used to think the elephantine weights in the gym were much heavier!

Just as I was about to give up that struggle and let my eyelids fall to grace, someone managed to walk past me and let me catch a glimpse of her in the nick of the time.
And I was wide awake.

She was a total stranger after taking a closer look at her. Yet she exuberated a quality which made her feel so familiar. Her dressing and the way of she walked reminded me of my grandmother. She also reminded me of the stark fact that I had not visited grandma for half a year! Since I am free today why not pay her a visit?

Twenty minutes later, I found myself walking towards her flat. The short walk from the train station to her house certainly brought back many memories. The route remained unchanged; the same shops were still there after so many years, the same buzz of activity around the town centre… I am sure she would be pleasantly surprised by my sudden visit.

The familiar tranquil of the void deck was the best welcome I could receive. It was the same tranquil which made me enjoy going to her house over the years. None of the slightest hints of Singapore’s fast pace of life. When I finally arrived at her doorstep, I was so happy just seeing her resting on the sofa.

“Ah Ma, I’m here to visit you!” (in broken Hokkein. As always.)

But she just sat there, giving me a puzzled look as she turned her face towards the door. Where was the irrepressible smile of the past?

“I’m sorry I can’t remember who you are. My abdominal pains are affecting my memory. Pai seh.”

Pai seh. The two words so often abused by me and my friends in our lives. Everytime we tried to be funny after insulting one another, we say paiseh. But in those contexts pai seh was said in the spirit of fun.

Today was the first time someone said pai seh to me meaning every bit of it. And it was the first time those two words hurt.

“I am Ah Poh’s son. Can you remember me?”

Ah Poh is how she remembered by father. Fortunately she could remember him, and her reluctance to open the door slowly faded.

“Ah Poh and Shirley. I am their eldest son. Can you remember? I used to play with Henry and Michael in the kampong.”

Ah… Henry and Michael brought back more connections. They are my elder cousins. They are the grandsons which she should have the deepest impressions of since they were the eldest grandchilds. If she couldn’t remember them, then I would have lost all hope.

“Yes Henry and Michael. I remember them.”

If a stranger at the door could ramble about her son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, and her magnificent home cooked curry with such precise accuracy, there would be little doubt that this stranger is indeed her grandson.

It took me ten minutes of regurgitating whatever memory I had before she was convinced enough to open the door for me.

She asked the maid to pour a glass of water for me. I remembered from my last visit that my relatives intended to hire a maid to take care of her. Grandma was suffering from acute senile dementia. They were worried that she might forget to turn off the stove after cooking. Then she was still healthy enough to protest against hiring the maid. She said she was still able to take care of herself. And that was the week before the maid came.

Today when I saw how dependent on the maid she was, I doubt she even remembered her protests half a year ago.

“I dare not even step out of the house alone. I need her to accompany me when I need to go out of the house. I can’t walk without an umbrella as a walking aid.”

All the while I was just listening to her, since with my limited hokkein I can’t communicate effectively anyway. Fortunately I had an orange to peel and eat to hide my embarrassment.

But after the orange was finished, an awkward silence took over. I couldn’t think of anything to say, and she had ran out of things to speak. We were just looking at one another, the silence just too over whelming.

Where was the lady who told me about the war, and how she and grandpa had fled from the Japanese by hiding in the forests of Lim Chu Kang? Where was the person who told me that she was grateful to me serving NS the hard way so that we could keep enemies like the Japanese away? Where was the person who could whip up a warm pot of curry with a matching smile? Where was the lady who displayed so much strength in character that made men like me pale in comparison?

Sitting a few steps across me was one of the most beautiful women in my life (amongst my maternal grandmother and my mother). Yet the distance seemed so huge. The guilt of not visiting her frequently enough to let her keep a lasting impression of me was too great.

I left her house shortly after.

The quietness of the void deck never felt so hostile. It was as if the silence was meant for me to do some honest reflection.


情侣都善于说谎
(People lie to one another for various reasons. Some lie out of convenience, others lie to protect. The rest lie to cheat. But never ever lie to yourself.)

大人都只会向前看
(Perhaps we have been too caught up with the progress of our own lives to notice those around us?)

为什么天南地北不能互相体谅
(Why can’t everyone have more empathy for one another? Having a long day doesn’t entitle you to vent your frustrations on others. What makes you think others had a better day than you?)

蟋蟀对着螳螂
(There are bound to be people whom we have nothing to say to. Just like a cricket and mantis)

有什么东西好说
(Is there anything which we can talk about?)

Shall We Talk, Shall We Talk?

好让我们重新认识别隐瞒
(So that we can get to know each other afresh.)


请你说 我们为何变成陌路人的模样
(Why did we become close to strangers?)

请你说 还有什么比沉默更难堪
(Is there anything more over whelming that this silence?)

难道互相隐藏
(Hiding and lying)

就能避免了失望
(Do not conceal but conceive disappointment.)

表白有什么可怕
(Just confess your thoughts)

请你不要拐弯
(Don’t keep them to yourself.)

请你说 请你说出心里难以承受的伤
(Can you tell me what hurts you most?)

不能说 除非我们早已忘记了爱的力量
(Unless you had already lost faith in me.)

聊天只能假装
(All these superficial conversations)

表情需要勉强
(and forced expressions on our faces.)

何必把这种遗撼
(Is there a need to take all these anguishes with us)

带到未来的天堂
(To the Heaven waiting for us in the future?)

There is only one way left to help her remember me.

I will go and visit her more often.