Owned

Today got whacked by a good team 9-2. Instead of feeling disgusted with myself, somehow I felt quite happy to lose by such a margin.

The opponents demonstrated what ought to be done should a team be a genuine weekend league team.

1) Commitment. (All their players were ready and running by kickoff. i.e. 9 am)
2) Spirit. (They did their warm up together, with a bit of fun.)
3) Discipline. (They did what their manager/captain told them to do.)
4) Physique, fitness, technique, teamwork.

They also had one winger whom I known since my uni days. He was the nemesis of my team. Today he ran circles round me again. When I was younger I would definitely be angered by that and probably kick his foot.

But today I grew to respect him. At this age when my body are showing signs of degradation (because I didn't take care of them well), he was still as good as ever, if not better. He really served as a motivation for me. Somehow there is still hope at my age to play better.

What is the point of playing against weak opponents week in week out, beating them flat and boost our inflated egos?

Today I got brought down to earth again, by such an overwhelming defeat. At times we must reflect and think of the things that we are lacking. Lack pace, lack strength, lack aerial ability.

I was happy, because I know I have a lot of to work on.

If we are happy with ourselves, then we will stagnant. Was quite unhappy with work recently. Spoke to a few people about it. One friend of mine really lifted my spirits.

"At least what you are doing needs brains to do. They still are helping students in some way or another. Those that I am doing do not need brains! Anyone can do them. Isn't that more frustrating?"

and she continued her "consoling"...

"Maybe the reason why you are given so much responsibilities is because you are not ambitious. Supposing if I am your boss and I know you are the ambitious type, I won't considering giving you much work to do because I know you will only do them to prove yourself, and not genuinely helping the students."

Wth... So does that mean I must act ambitious so as to reduce my workload?

Really appreciated talking to her. She understood most of the things that I said, because we are in the same profession.

And I talked to more people. One friend of mine is an auditor. She works 6 days a week, stays in the office for 18 hours, and sleeps only 3+ hours a day.

And I complained about leaving home at 8.

Another friend just returned to office to fetch her laptop home to do work, and mine you, now is already 3:19 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

I think I should just shut up and do my work properly.

It's quite irrational to force things in life, for example to force my team to beat the team which whacked us 9-2 today.

But for things which are within our control, we must try our best. Because if we don't want to end up in the following situation,

然而到後來我什麼都沒有

then we must

进化成更好的人

分享快乐 享受生活

我只能低著頭發呆
讓回憶滲透腦袋
漸漸變空白

我把它當作個意外
但內心還想不開
以爲我明白
其實你都還在

我想起了遇見你的時候
想起你眼神中的溫柔
我想起了我們第一次牽手

我閉上眼

想起當時你懷裡的顫抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我

然而到後來我什麼都沒有

當你離開的時候

我可以裝作已釋懷
他對我也算關懷
他看不出來
我知道這樣不應該
在他身上找依賴
算不算是種出賣
因爲你一直在

我想起了遇見你的時候
想起你眼神中的溫柔
我想起了我們第一次牽手
我閉上眼想起當時你懷裡的顫抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我
然而到後來我什麼都沒有
當你離開的時候

我想起你親吻我的時候
想起你眼神中的沉默
我想起了我們平靜的分手

我閉上眼

想起當時你美麗的承諾
把你整個心都交給我
然而到後來我什麼都沒有

越是沒有你越是心痛

我想起了遇見你的時候
想起你眼神中的溫柔
我想起了我們第一次牽手
我閉上眼
想起當時你懷裡的顫抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我

然而到後來我什麼都沒有

當你離開的時候

Tried too hard?

Too much pressure?

Wishful thinking?

Assume too much?

No patience?

In a rush?

No confidence?

Said too much?

No experience?

Too pessimistic?

No time?

One way traffic?

Or worst case scenario...

Had never been significant?

I think too much already. Time to sleep.

All that I needed in a quiet room at night with a mug of nice luke warm coffee.

It has been a while since Eason Chan's "Shall We Talk" that I had gone bonkers over a song.

I could sense the experiences and maturity of the lyricist, who also happened to be the singer of the song. There is flavour and pedigree in the lyrics. They not only reflect my past and present experiences, and also the people I had met in who either stabilised or destabilised (my life).

The message behind the lyrics tally with the governing life principle of mine now. i.e. I want to be a good man, I want to be a better man.

Was sheer enjoyment listening to the song. Guess I will be listening to it consistently over the next few years just like "Shall We Talk".

我的青春也不是没伤痕
是明白爱是信仰的延伸
什么特征人缘还是眼神
也不会预知爱不爱的可能

保持单身忍不住又沉沦
兜着圈子来去有时苦等
人的一生感情是旋转门
转到了最后真心的就不分

有过竞争
有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真
学会忠诚
适者才能生存

懂得永恒
得要我们
进化成更好的人

我的青春有时还蛮单纯
相信幸福取决于爱得深
读进化论我赞成达尔文
没实力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身已换过多少轮
记忆在旧情人心中变冷
我的一生有几道旋转门
转到了最后只剩你我没分

有过竞争
有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真
学会忠诚
适者才能生存

懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人

有过竞争
有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真
学会忠诚
适者才能生存
懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人

懂得永恒得要我们

进化成更好的人

进化成更好的人

Last Day at RJ

Today I was at the RI/RJC campus again. Met up with an old friend of mine. He was my batch mate from RI, although I didn't know him very well then. He was from my neighbour class. I got to know him better in the first few years of my university because we disrupted from army at the same time.

I could safely say during the period of time after my disruption to the end of my first year in uni, he was my best friend.

Unfortunately as the years went by, I gradually took less and less modules in FASS and gradually lost contact with him. Fortunately I still have his phone number with me.

And I really appreciated him making an effort to meet up for a drink at his canteen. At 11+ he msg that he was free from now till 1230. I told him I can't, and he offered to come down at 1330. He was at his usual self. Cold and uncaring exteriorly, but actually he's quite a nice person inside.

Then we started talking and lamenting. Lamented about the falling standards of RJ. About how the school wasn't as formidable as during our time. Lamented about the lack of time, and how his days ended at 9 am in the night. He is also the soccer teacher in charge of RJ, I'm his counterpart at NJ. But I do less work than him bah. He actually coaches his students. I am only the team medic. Looks like certain things are universal.

Young teachers do not have time. Young teachers do not have life. Young teachers work very hard.

But his personality is more rugged I guess, despite his small frame. He took things in his stride and moved on.

"Just do sui sui while the bond lasts!"

haha. That was very true. Do everything well and then leave with our heads held high. Complain also no use.

Then we started to reminisice about the past. Which teachers are still around, which stalls are still around, etc.

And then we started talking about job prospects.

He was saying that RJ has an option called "direct staff". Which means that teachers do not have to take on leadership roles and have no cca commitments. Direct staff just concentrate on teaching. Sounds very attractive. Taking a pay cut to have a life.

But I'm not so naive to think that grasses are greener over the other side. RJ and RI are going to merge sooner or later, and when that happens the new RIJ will be the same as NJ going 6 years. There will be no difference being there or here. Staying at NJ might be better because I have already established myself and my teaching resources. (No doubt working with my ex-teachers at RJ as colleagues will be a huge draw for me).

Then at the course, I saw some of the older teachers who were very senior. Would I still be able to engage or teach effectively/passionately at that age? Would I still be as stubborn as I am now trying to be a teacher who is only concerned with teaching properly instead of manage all the admin work? I am not sure though, but in anycase, I do not want to shortchange my students in case any of the above were to come true.

I am not tempted or seduced to move. I am not even thinking of moving to anywhere other than NJ. But I do know that I will leave the service after 3 good years.

So might as well live the last 3 years of my teaching life to the fullest before rethinking my life options.

Back to RJC

Today I was lingering around RJC. Quite fortuitously saw my ex-chem tutor eating at the canteen. Was so happy that she recognised me, remembered my name, and my class.

The first thing she asked me after finding out I'm a teacher was...

"Did you check your open posting? We need maths teachers!"

haha. Looks like she had a good impression of me after all. Was so flattered by that. I'm quite happy at NJ now. Don't feel like moving, unless I want a change of environment.

"Shun Chih do you know, Mr I mean, Dr Ho is coming back to RJ in April! Come back and join him."

Mr Ho was my math tutor cum civics tutor when I was still a student. Now he is already a Dr. heh. Would love to work with him as a colleague. Maybe that's the allure of RJ. There is a human touch here.

RJ certainly felt a lot warmer than RI.

Back to RI

Today I returned to RI for the first time since graduating at 1997. Was there for a course. Physically a lot of things had changed. The campus and facilities got a lot larger and better.

I saw a couple of teachers who taught me before. I don't think they recognised me anymore. Anyway he didn't even know my name when he was teaching me.

Somehow I always felt RI as an intimidating place. Even as a student there. Don't know why. But I never felt at home in that school. I was all the more thankful that I am now not teaching there. I have nothing against RI boys. In fact, I was very impressed by the manners that they have. One boy even took the trouble to show me where I should dispose my plate after lunch. Another boy even bowed to me in front my car after I gave way to them at the school gate.

Still, that didn't help in the intimidation.

I took a short stroll into the RJ campus nearby. I had never been in the new RJ campus before. I spent my JC days at mount Sinai. The new RJ campus is indeed new and large. I got lost trying to get to the staffroom to look for my friends working there. Still, everything felt alien.

Maybe because RI/RJ is an elitist institution in nature. For all 6 years that I spent there, I couldn't help but feel that way.

It certainly felt weird returning to my alma mater. There is a lot of mixed feelings. On one hand RI/RJ are close to heart because they are no doubt places which I spent 6 years of my life, yet on the other hand, I don't really know anyone or anything about the schools now. Yes I may feel very demoralised and jaded by the workload given to me at my current school,

but I still feel at home at National Junior College.

Eat Snake

I think I gave myself too much pressure already. Pressure to do well.

Play soccer too stressed. Cannot concede. Cannot express myself. Yes even if I managed to keep a clean sheet forever I will not be happy either. Satisfaction yes, but enjoyment no. Because it is just too stressful to concentrate every game.

Legs are aching. Don't have much time left in my legs. Must enjoy every game. Concede a few goals is ok. Just enjoy the game, play to my true standard and nothing else matters. Besides,

taking that 30 metre blaster was so gratifying.

Too stressed over the workload at school too. Need to do this, need to do that. Sigh. If all in my mind is just trying to cover whatever work that is to be done in the future, when will this cycle ever stop? Hols? When I retire? Or when I die?

I think I should just concentrate on thinking of how to eat snake. At least when I had enjoyed myself to the extent, the guilt of not doing work will provide enough momentum to sustain me through the task. And eating snake is less taxing on the mind.

Eating snake does not mean I am no longer concerned about her. Just that I don't see the need to contact her so often that I felt is becoming harassment. No space to breathe. Not fresh topics to talk about. No element of surprise. Nothing refreshing. Things become stale when there is too much contact maybe? At least at this stage when we are only friends, just let things take its course. Sometimes trying too hard only adds to the pressure, and things backfire.

I had learnt for myself the lessons of trying too hard. I saw a young pe teacher trying very hard to conduct an enjoyable training session for the girls team. At the end the students appreciated his efforts but still kept a polite distance due to his over-eagerness.

I wasn't very friendly towards my hockey team throughout last sem. But I just did whatever that has to be done at the right time for them. And they appreciated them too. Even though I am not their T/IC now, at least the exco will still say hello to me whenever they see me around, cos they are the ones whom I had interacted most with, and knows what I had done.

So I should just do the appropriate things at the right time and let things develop naturally? :)

And what should I do in the meantime to occupy my thoughts when I don't contact her so often?

To think of ways to east snake of course, as a form to constantly rejuvenate the brain.

And this entry will never be possible if I am not eating snake now.