Give Up?

Today I missed 2 penalties. TWO. The first one could have got us in the lead. The second could have won the game for us.

It’s time to call it a day. I shall tell everyone that not to waste hard earned penalties on me. Get someone else to take it. Score the goals and win the game. I’m not going to score next one and I’m not going to take it.

Why risk inviting more embarrassment, shame, disappointment, and insults from opponents and teammates? Why invite more damage to my already low confidence? Just insist on not taking the next one. Someone else will have to take it. The goals will come. There must be a reason why I’m not an attacker.

I really want to give up.

Right now the thought of taking another penalty scares me. I just want to run away. Say all you want. I am weak. I am fucked up. Whatever.

Especially the second penalty. When it was awarded, I had told Teh to take it himself. He had suffered a crunching tackle to win it. I am pretty comfortable standing away from it. No one disagreed with my rational decision either. I did not shamelessly insist on being some superstar which obviously I am not. But Teh pointed to no one but me after placing the ball on the spot. No one contested with Teh’s decision since he was the one who won it. He had the right to do whatever he wanted with it. Then everyone started to look at me with Teh. Some even offered words of encouragement.

But they mattered little.

The ball still went out wide on the right post. No more spectacular efforts to blast the ball into the top corner. I just tried to place it in the bottom corner, but my technique still let me down. I couldn’t believe why Teh wanted me to take it. To sabo me? Come on man, penalties are rare stuff. Why waste them on me? Couldn’t you just fucking take them yourself and score the goals? I shouldn’t have volunteered to take the penalty the other day. Look at the mess I am in now.

But come to think of it. I still couldn’t understand why he kept faith in me despite 2 bad misses. But I am really grateful to Teh for that. Singapore is such a meritocratic place. There is very little tolerance for mistakes and failures. For someone to give up a golden chance generously for a clown like me really makes Teh such a valuable friend.

There were others who scorned too. I don’t blame them. I really fucked up the show. But I’m grateful to those who kept their faith in me despite putting disappointment on their faces time and again. Thanks to Teh, Keith, and Bernard for your encourage and assurance. Still, Bernard and Teh said some frightening stuff after the game.

Bernard, ”You are going to continue taking penalties until you break the duck. No one will take them until you score.”

Teh, “Good game Ah Lang. Next week’s penalty is still yours!”

Those lines really made me swallow a big gulp of saliva down my throat. I may not score the next one you know… I may have to disappoint you guys again. I still feel very scared and miserable now. The ghost is still haunting me.

But the fear of missing another penalty can never be worse than the fear of letting a pal like Teh down. For the support he had shown for all 3 misses so far, it doesn’t take an idiot to figure out that he is a generous man with his actions and words. If I were to let such a good man down, then I am really a shameless clown.

I may not even be allowed to take the next one. I may not even score even if I take it. I may drive home in such a miserable mood again. But I will seriously start practicing my shots everyday, in school and at home so as not to let my conscious down, not to let Teh down.

For such a person is hard to come by.

I am grateful to all the faith everyone has kept in me today. I won’t blame anyone if they lose that faith someday. I am just happy that there are people in this world who believed in me no matter how badly I do. I can suffer more humiliation and disappointment. I fell hard this time. But I need to fall. It’s all in the process of growing up.

Right now though, I still feel like crying from all the helplessness. But I will not give up.

Because you had believed in me today.