Never Give Up

Today I missed a penalty. To make it worse, I volunteered to take it. It should be a terrible feeling to volunteer for a penalty and miss it spectacularly, but not for me.

That miss was a personal milestone in my life.

I had played football regularly for 5 years of my life. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much luck with the attacking positions. I started out as striker, but I only had some pace to show for it. I didn’t have the technique and intelligence to beat others in a disadvantageous situation (1 to 2 strikers against 4 defenders). My hall team still kept faith in my pace and pushed me to the wings where I could exploit my pace. My crossing became my undoing again. What’s the use of a winger who could run but cannot cross?

Gradually over the years, I was relegated to the defence. It was where I started to taste some success. In defence, technique is not as important as discipline and bravery. For people who can’t do all the mazy dribbles and not strong enough to hold off the challenges of defenders, last man or full backs are the ideal positions for me.

I just had to sprint with the strikers and wingers and rob the ball from them. After getting the ball, a simple pass to my players would do. No need for any extravagant dribbles to beat their attackers. That brand of football suited me best.

Then why the penalty today?

I should give some background information about the game today to justify my actions. I am not a show off or attention seeking person by nature. I know which penalties I could take and I should not. I did not step up for the penalties when the inter-hall games semi-finals went to the shootout last year. I did not step up for the crucial penalties in my weekend league games. I knew my shooting wasn’t as good as my clearances after years of playing as a defender. I should not jeopardize the chances of the team with a showtime attitude. Penalties rare events among games, and low stake penalties are even scarcer.

We played really well today against a weak team. Both the attack and defence were in total control. The only player wasting his time on the pitch should be our keeper. There was simply nothing much for him to do except for collecting loose throughballs from the opponents. By the 90th minute, we were winning 4-0 already. Just at that moment, Marcus received a foul from their defender inside the box. The ref pointed to the spot without hesitation. No one wanted to take it. Everyone expected Marcus to take it since he had won it, but he didn’t want to.

I was telling myself. That was one of the very rare low stake penalties that would occur in my life. Whether I miss it or not, we would still have trashed them while keeping a clean sheet. The penalty was academic. It won’t affect the result of the game. It would only make Ah Lang score his first ever goal in his life or become a clown. I am not afraid of failure. I just don’t want to regret not having taken a penalty all my life.

I stepped up confidently, all the while I was aiming at the top corner. I took a few steps backward, drew a huge backlift and blasted the ball. But the contact wasn’t good. The ball flew embarrassingly off target. The final whistle blew after that shot.

What an anti climax to a good game. If I had reproduced that sort of penalty in the world cup, I would have been shot to death by an assassin the next day.

Like Diego Escobar in USA’94.

Fortunately it was only a quiet friendly on a Sunday evening. There wasn’t any spectators except for the occasionally uncle pedestrian who stopped by for a glimpse and kids on the flats around the field. Nonetheless, the penalty was a milestone for me in many areas of my life.

I remembered not so long ago that I was very protective over myself. I dared not venture out and do the things which I felt had little chance for success. Even for the things which I tried, I pulled up the moment things did not look well. The fear of failure and losing my pride for doing things wrongly were two obstacles which inhibited me from trying anything.

ANYTHING.

My self-confidence was very low. I could do nothing right. Everything was so well-thought out in my mind that I stopped trying them altogether. I either lacked the ability or the gains from doing them were not enough. Nothing got done in the end. I had no control over my life. Everything was decided by others. I was lagging behind my peers.

I was enclosed in a helpless world of my own.

I was frustrated with myself for being so useless. Even my football sucked in the weekends. I couldn’t pass properly, couldn’t clear properly, couldn’t do anything useful except whacking the ball away. I was always comparing myself with the Ah Lang of the past when I played much better.

If such a penalty surfaced in my life then, I would definitely pass up the chance and let another player take it. Most likely a better player than me would score it, but somehow that goal would be forgotten after a few games.

What happened which made me change my attitude in life?

I couldn’t remember exactly when, but sometime this year, I made a terrible mistake which conceded a goal. It was a very painful mistake. That goal changed the whole complexion of the game. I was the cause of it. Before that goal my team was actually playing well. That goal almost made me lose faith in football and myself. Why did I make that kind of mistake when I was making a conscious effort not to do anything rash?

I began thinking a lot after that incident. Initially I was very angry. Angry with myself for making mistakes when I had consciously tried to eliminate them in my way of doing things. The end result was the most important thing at the end of the day. I had been brought up that way. In school, getting As and scoring good grades were what mattered. The process didn’t matter. The quality of my life in and beyond school didn’t matter.

Not able to make the cut mattered.

I was brought up in an environment where the people around me were of high calibre. Failure was an uncommon sight in the community surrounding my youth.

Somehow that perspective changed as I grew older and have more experience in life. No matter how hard I tried at every game and instance in my life, mistakes will still happen. I still concede goals. I still got knocked down to the ground by wingers and strikers and letting them score a goal past me. I still regret over things which I shouldn’t have said to others. I still take things for granted without treasuring them until they are lost.

I still can’t prevent all of the above from happening.

There came to a stage whereby the frequency of failures made me realise that they are part and parcel of life. No one could have a smooth sailing life free from failures. Everyone will have to encounter some form of failure in our lives. The actual failing is not most important thing, but

How we handle failures and grow from them is.

It sounds clichéd, but the process is more important than the destination. That idea helped a lot. I began to take more initiative in my life. If I do not have a say in my life, then who else? Failures became less intimidating now. The pain received from them was the basis of the driving force which kept me going subconsciously.

I know failures will still occur no matter how hard I wanted to avoid them. Wouldn’t it be more worthwhile to try and see what happens than to sit back and wait for failure to come?

Never give up. Never stop trying. That is the essence of life.

I became a better person after that. Using football as an example again, I used to shirk myself of responsibilities. I refused to take goal kicks because I could not kick far. The fear of a bad kick and embarrassing myself or worse, conceding a goal was too much to bear. Now I took whatever chances I could to take a goal kick. Never mind the lousy kicks, never mind the embarrassment. If I never tried, I could never improve. Fortunately my keeper often passed the goal kicks to me, and that helped a lot.

Right now I am the default goal kick taker other than the goal keeper for my Sunday evening team. Taking up responsibility is a good thing. It is the driving force to excel and work for others. Even if things don’t go well, I can’t give up because it is not about me only. I have to consider others’ feelings too.

If one goal kick didn’t go well, make sure the next one is good. If not, then the next next one, next next next one, and so on. If I can’t get the ball from the striker now, make sure I whack him dammed hard the next time, the next next time, the next next next time, if I had said something that had offended another person, make sure I don’t say it ever again, ever ever again, ever ever ever again...

Being conscious or trying harder is better than being conscious of avoiding to fail.

That explained why I stepped up to take that penalty today. Compared to the Ah Lang who dared not even take a goal kick not so long ago, he had certainly came a long way to muster enough courage to stand before the spot. No doubt his lack of technique made his miss look awfully embarrassing, but that was an important moment in his life.

At least if he ever felt lost again, he could look back at this incident and say, “Hey, I had been through worse stuff. I had actually stepped up for a penalty missed! What else could get me down?”

Fortunately my friends were a forgiving bunch. I really appreciated the reassurance and encouragement of Bollocks and Keith. Bollocks said that missing a penalty today would mean scoring the next one tomorrow. The reason was that I will never take the next penalty the way I had did today. That was very true. Keith was even kinder. He told me that if I wasn’t around, the game might have ended up 5-5 instead of 4-0. Of course they were disappointed too. I had to apologise to Marcus. He worked so hard to earn it, only for me to fuck it up. Sorry dude, I know that miss hurt. You would have made more out of that chance than I did.

Enough of self-comforting. I am still a footballer with pride. The pain of that miss will linger in my mind for a long time. I will have to endure many sleepless nights over it. But I will not be discouraged. I willto put in more effort to train my shots. I will excel in shooting which I had been avoiding for a long time in my life. I had lost the confidence of my pals (in my penalty taking) and some of my pride. But I had gained a driving force out of those losses. I will train with the image of this disappointing episode in my mind. I wouldn’t know when that chance will ever surface again, but if it ever happens,

I will score my next penalty.