Over the past half a year or so, my friends and colleagues have noticed and commented the changes in me.
I didn't realise the changes until I really sat down and thought about it.
What were the changes in me?
The way I speak?
The way I think?
The way I live?
The things I live for?
I couldn't pinpoint the exact changes, but those who noticed the changes well wouldn't contest that the changes in me are the works of God.
Even my church friends have commented that I am too "holy". I.e. Out of 10 sentences that I speak, at least 2 or 3 will be about God.
Is it because I am a new Christian so the fire is still burning strong?
Is it because I am pretending to be "Godly" so that I can fit into the church community faster?
Or is it because I am only putting on a nice facade, a personality totally different from me?
To be honest, I don't know.
But I can confidently tell you. I denied the Lord for 15 years.
Usually when people get baptised, it usually marks the start of a committed Christian life.
For me, it only marked the start of an end.
My mum stopped bugging me about going to church once I got baptised. Getting baptised was something to silence her.
After I got baptised, I was so thankful that she finally stopped harassing me week in and week out about church. She was just a damned bloody nag. Really a damned bloody nag. Until so much she got on my nerves. I never got to know God before and after I got baptised. All I knew was that I was forced, and was emotionally blackmailed into doing it.
And my mum was the greatest contradiction of all. In fact, a laughing stock. After we got baptised, she stopped going to church herself. What kind of example was she setting? What kind of testimony is she for God?
I hated God because of my mum, and because of her, I thought God was a joke.
To me, Christianity is an aggressive religion that is pushy. It wouldn't leave free thinkers alone. It wants to attract more people into its churches, suck money from people, and build mega churches. It's just a way to cheat money from honest people via the excuses of religion.
And from then onwards, I wandered off into the wilderness, unknowingly into the darkness.
For the good part of the first 10 years, it felt really great! Especially during the days of my early 20s. I had total freedom! I could do what I want, I could achieve whatever I set my sights on.
1) PSLE do well? Checked.
2) Get into RI? Checked.
3) Get into RJ? Checked.
4) Get a scholarship? Checked.
5) Get 2nd upper for degree? Checked.
6) Enjoyed university life? Checked.
7) Play football like a god? Checked. In fact, I was my own god. I am god himself! Damned bloody song.
8) Get a stable job and not worry about money? Checked.
9) Find a girlfriend who is pretty, has a nice figure, intelligent, and rich? Checked. In fact, she more than fitted the bill! She was quite open-minded about being physically intimate. (short of having sex. She insists on sex after marriage, but anything other than that is ok).
Wow, I had it all! I had achieved all that most people worked all their lives to try to achieve. I bet for some of those losers, even if they worked all their lives they might not even get 3 out of the 9 things that I had listed there.
I am the god living in my own kingdom, painstakingly constructed by me and my hardwork alone over the years. Who needs a God? Fuck you God, you're a joke.
But yet I was unhappy. Cracks started to appear in my kingdom. The things I thought will make me happy didn't make me as happy as I would be.
1) PSLE? Forgot the joy of the 268/300 long ago.
2) Get into RI? I didn't even remember what I did there.
3) Get into RJ? Spent my 2 years mugging to atone for my 'O' levels.
4) Get a scholarship? Stressed me out because I had to perform every sem. Couldn't afford to send them a lousy results slip.
5) Get 2nd upper for degree? Was more relieved than happy. 4.03 wasn't a great affirmation of my credentials. It's more of lucky than solid.
6) Enjoyed university life? Yes. This really made me happy.
7) Play football like a god? While I repayed my faithfulness to football by setting aside time every weekend to go for games, some teams scolded and cursed me when I played badly, even when I bore the pain of my injuries and played for them. Some teams didn't even start me when I got down the earliest and warmed up properly. I was made to look like a kuku. Never trust football to be faithful to me.
8) Get a stable job and not worry about money? Stable and not to worry about money? Yes. But I worked so hard until I had no life. It was really no life. Damned low class and low morale. 13 hour days.
9) Find a girlfriend who is pretty, has a nice figure, intelligent, and rich? My girlfriend became more of a trophy than companion. Whenever I went out with her, she never failed to turn the eyes of other eyes to her. But beyond the sight of everyone, there were just quarrels, manipulation, self-centredness. We went into a relationship not because of love, but just to fill the loneliness in us. The relationship was based on what could we get the most out of it for ourselves, rather than genuine mutual concern. I was deeply touched by her dedication to me, but one thing she said smashed it all.
"I never liked you, but to me every relationship is a commitment. As long as I tried my best and have no regrets, I'll move on. And I'll persist in this belief for all the relationships that I go into."
It was so void and empty.
But to be fair to her, I wasn't such an angel too. If you noticed the language that I used to type this entry, all the vulgarities and arrogance, you'll know I am a self-centred bastard too.
I tried to run away. I was tired of my no-life job. I was tired of the dating game. I was tired of the loneliness and aimlessness. I was envious of couples who appear so loving on the streets. I just wanted to travel and see the world.
And the thought of being pilot came to my mind. I do not need to elaborate here if you have seen my earlier entries. And I did lots of research and drastic actions. I did lasik and was on the verge of breaking my bond, spend all my savings to get a PPL, then apply for SIA. I almost screwed up my life with my own hands. The same hands that constructed the shining kingdom of Ah Lang.
Then God decided that enough was enough, and He stepped in.
I should have realised, that God had been watching out for me all the while I was in the wilderness. There was once I was in the passenger seat of my girlfriend's car. And there was a mini-statue of a budda. I felt so suffocated and not at peace but I couldn't explain why. I should have realised that that was a sign of God.
And God showed me a book. "The Kingdom of Self" by Earl Jabay.
http://www.drfry.com/Articles/General/Kingdom%20of%20Self/kingdom_of_self.htm
And I read the "Road to Emmaus" given to me by Kelly a few years ago.
Somehow I realised God wasn't such a joke after all. I had wronged Him all these years.
And the final straw came when my girlfriend said something that changed my life.
"I agreed to go out with you because you don't go to church."
That made me think. A lot. She didn't like church. I didn't like budda. She didn't like me going to church. I didn't like her being a buddist. And suddenly it became so simple.
I called it off with her. And never looked back.
And a few months after that, I attended "my hope Singapore" organised by my present church, and the rest is history.
And God told me to surrender all that I have to Him. He is always ready to bless, but only when we are willing to let go to prepare ourselves for His greater blessings. The letting go is never easy, many times it is tough. But it's all part of His scourging, to make us better people, because He really receives us as His children.
And for God I stopped committing to football.
I broke up with my girlfriend.
I halted my pilot-becoming plans.
I gave up all my dreams.
To be honest right now I don't even know what will become of me.
But I know, God is hammering me into shape, for His greater purposes, just as what the following song is saying.
http://www.imeem.com/people/ZhPNvp/music/b6DwQPug/bebo-norman-the-hammer-holds/
A shapeless piece of steel, that's all I claim to be
This hammer pounds to give me form, this flame, it melts my dreams
I glow with fire and fury, as I'm twisted like a vine
My final shape, my final form I'm sure I'm bound to find
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
And the water, it cools me gray, and the hurt's subdued somehow
I have my shape, this sharpened point, what is my purpose now?
And the question still remains, what am I to be?
Perhaps some perfect piece of art displayed for all to see
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
The hammer pounds again, but flames I do not feel
This force that drives me, helplessly, through flesh, and wood reveals
A burn that burns much deeper, it's more than I can stand
The reason for my life was to take the life of a guiltless man
So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the pain
And hurt a little, hurt for me, my future is so bold
But my dreams are not the issue here, for they, the hammer holds
This task before me may seem unclear
But it, my maker holds
Hopefully now you know I am not exactly trying to be "holy", but more of because I really love this God who single handedly plucked me out of all the darkness and pain. I will sing praises to Him for as long as I live! (Which is eternally of course. *wink*)
