01:21 in the morning

I wonder how much of my life had I lost to not recording them in this blog. A lot of things had passed since I last blogged satisfactorily.

Just set a 8 mark trigo identity question for the end of module test for a trigo module. I think that question will murder the whole cohort, including some of the foreign scholars. ^^

Now I know the power of capsizing a boat with a point of the finger.

What had happened to the affable, amiable, friendly, and nice Mr Khoo in his ESE and practicum days? What caused Mr Khoo to transform into the monster that he is now?

Fierce, unfriendly, sadistic (in a sense that the exam questions he set are murderous), and extremely loves to scold students?

Isn't that simple? A nice man may not necessarily be a good man. A good teacher may not necessarily be a nice teacher.

Between nice and good, I chose the latter.

This, I learnt from another teacher. Four words from her made me realise what teaching is all about.

"I am pro-student."

牛车水人家

今天不经意的从收音机听到一首非常怀念的歌，一首总能勾起我成长岁月美丽回忆的歌。

听着听着，一丝丝脆片般般的回忆渐渐地涌上心头。

年幼时的我住在牛车水一带。由于父母双职，所以外婆便成为了我的兼顾人。外婆的朋友大多都住在牛车水，所以牛车岁便成了我追随外婆脚步的地方。她时常到牛车水做凛凛种种的生活琐碎事。吃饭，打麻将，喝凉茶，买疼条，逛街，荡秋千。。。那时候的我只觉得牛车水是一个很杂吵，充满着威胁的地方。为何威胁？

你爱到一个天天都有七老八十的阿公阿婆围着你来调戏的地方吗？

然而，外婆过世已有十六年了。现在的我虽然还是住在牛车水附近，但到那里的次数却一点也不及年幼时的频率. 以前可是几乎每天都到那里。现在可能几年才去一次。

听着听着，埋在下意识里的片断一个个地浮现在眼前。

那时的人潮与繁华，坐三轮车回家的经验，熟食中心的食物，巷口的凉茶店，祖屋里的“赌档”，外婆似乎几十年前的打扮。。。

真想回到那时！

现在的我是否也在想着，讨厌过着现在的生活？白天忙忙碌碌分秒必争。晚上夜深人静时，脆弱的心灵被寂寞侵蚀。。。以前无忧无虑的生活，天天向外婆撒娇的日子可真令人向往！

想归想，但人总要活在现实。现在的牛车水也已面目全非，和当年的完全判若两人。但还好还有这首歌给与心灵上的寄托。

那这首歌到底是什么？

《情谊藏心底》-巫启贤

夜已深，我仿佛听到风雨声
一阵阵，洒落在路中寂寞人
在风里，在雨里，走过的路程
已经随着岁月的声音消失在黄昏

情不归，一个人空巷独徘徊
找不回，往日的情谊藏心底
有你的，有我的，成长的痕迹
这里埋藏过去的感情，教人心碎

生命就像流水，像轻烟慢慢延续
我的记忆却渐渐蒙上尘埃
回来的路上，不断回头望
在那依然成长的地方，以往成长的地方
从今以后，风雨有谁相伴？

从今以后，风雨有我相伴

Ah Bee

This entry is about my brother, and this entry is meant for him.

His school sent him a letter today. It was more like a threat to be honest.

"We regret to inform you that your son is performing under expectations. He may be retained or even be transferred to the Normal Technical stream if he continues to perform badly at the year end exams." Signed by the VP of the school.

What would be anyone's first impression of him? A poor student? Poor attitude towards studies? No interest? Lazy? Stupid? Couldn't be bothered? Truancy?

I can tell you, none of the above is correct. My brother is a good boy. But he had been very much maligned, and very deprived of opportunities.

Of course as his family members we made mistakes in the choice of education so far.

Mistake 1: Choice of Primay School
We should have sent him to a better primary school. I wonder why my mum sent him to the NEAREST primary school from our house instead of much better one a few bus-stops down the road. If they could afford to send me and my sister to good primary schools so much further away from our house years ago, why the double standard for my brother?

Mistake 2: Choice of academic stream in Sec School
This one was my sole responsibility. I thought that he would benefit more by doing N(A) stream in a good neighbourhood school somewhere near our place. This would be like righting the wrongs of his primary school, because

a) Time could be saved on travelling. The extra time could be used for revision.
b) His foundations were weak. The extra year would help him a lot.
c) Why do express stream in a lousy school faraway from our house?

The initial results were rewarding. He was one of the top few students in his stream for sec 1. Unfortunately things had nosedived during his upper sec. The school inexplicably grouped students in his stream according to subject combination instead of by calibre. Thus he ended up with some of the most disruptive company in his class. He still tried his best though, but while he persevered, many of his teachers gave up. How did I know about this? I was teaching in his school before. His class was notorious. After a while, he resigned to his fate.

Then came his ECA. Inexplicably he joined a very demanding eca that took up a lot of his time. Sometimes he even came home at night.

I just got this very bad feeling that his grades will suffer. The letter we got today just confirmed it.

It wasn't fair to him really. History had shown that if he was placed in the right environment, he had the ability to do well. His sec 1 grades don't lie. Yet to put the blame of his slip solely on his class, or soley on his eca is not fair too.

The way my parents talk to him is not encouraging either. They always talk to him in a manner that he is not good enough, or he cannot do things right. They never gave him the encouragement he needed, even if it meant backing down a bit at times. Their old fashioned way of lecturing kids will not work these days. Handling kids in the 90s is different from handling kids in the 80s.

Look, given his current situation what he needs is alot more encouragement than criticism.

It is not hard to tell that he has already resigned to fate and conformed to his belief that he is just another normal stream boy not good in his studies.

Which is rubbish of course.

He can do it. Just that he fell prey to one of the fallacies of our education system - That it favours early performers than late bloomers.

All he needs is just that courage to stand up against the deprivations thrown at him since he was a boy, and give himself a try deserving of his conscience.

Why allow your selfish classmates to ruin your future for you? Yes I agree that you can't stop them from disrupting the lessons. Yes I agree that most of the precious curriculum time in class was wasted. Yes I agree that most of the teachers do not really like teaching your class.

It is a tough environment to study in compared to your sec 1 and 2 days, but if you are willing to be brave and stand up to them, you can do it, because I know you can. No one can be more qualified than me in saying those words.

Because I know you best, being your brother who grew up with you.

I also admit that I was not around in the important days of his education. I had been away from home for 6 years due to NS and uni. (Since he was primary 4 to sec 3). I had never been much of a help anyway. I always turn him away while playing my computer games. As time goes by he also stopped approaching me for help.

But,

Can you take it lying down that your selfish classmates had ruined your future for you? Can you take it lying down that you denied yourself a better future by sticking to your beliefs that you are not good enough?

Can you take it lying down or not?

I was useless, but at least I am back for the most important year. Time may not be enough, since there is only a couple of months left before the N levels start.

But I know you just need that courage to try and turn things around in such unfavourable conditions. I am not telling you to get straight As, but I know you have what it takes to get what you want.

Because you have the ability and you can do it.

All you need is just the courage to try for a better future.

The Promised Land

Today I was at my weekly madness again - Run from my house to ECP Mac. I even had to firmly turn down a dinner invitation by Bollocks and Chioh to persist with my madness, much to their disappointment.

Retribution did strike me later.

I arrived at my destination in good time. I.e. It took me just around an hour to get there. Once there I got down to my usual business.

1. Buy a can of H2O from the 7 eleven.
2. Sit on one of the saloms by the beach and enjoy the well-deserved can of H2O.
3. Listen to the sound of the waves.
4. Sort out/Forget all my troubles.
5. Go to macdonald and buy chicken foldover and green tea.
6. Go home.

Usually the cabs would be waiting for me by the road. But today... today... there was a rumble for cabs. There were couples everywhere waiting for cabs. Along the same stretch of road, some pairs were ahead of me, some after me, there was even a pair hugging each other beside me! lol. Being in pairs help. Can hug to kill time while waiting for cab.

Is today Valentine's Day at ECP?

Determined not to be outdone by the hordes of couples straying further upstream to intercept my cab, I overtook them and stood in a supposedly good position.

15 mins had passed. No vacant cab came.

I wandered back to mac, and went further downstream. Another 15 mins had passed. Again no vacant cab came.

Today business was really good at ECP. I thought the crowd would usually be present only on friday and weekend nights. Maybe there could be another way to explain this phenomenum. On friday nights (which I usually do my runs), people don't have to work the next day, so they could afford to stay up and hang around at ECP. That's why I had all the cabs I wanted at around 9 plus. On thursday night, everyone had to go back early for work next day. So I had to compete with the world for cabs at around 9 plus.

I swear I will never do my runs again on anyday other than a friday night!

So how on earth am I going to get home with all these competition? If I were to faithfully just follow law and wait for a taxi to come my way with all these people around,

I will never make it back.

And I had already wasted 1 hour trying to get a cab. Time check: 2215. Usually I would have been home by 2130. Sigh.

I must get out of this place if I were to have any chance of getting a vacant cab. But without vacant cabs how am I going to get out of this place? Chicken and egg question. Lucky I am a rather unorthodox person.

Just be shameless and hitch a ride from someone and get out of this place first.

Thus I stood hawkishly at the taxi queue. The next cab that comes along I will pounce on it irregardless of whoever approaches it first.

A few minutes later, a cab came true to my expectations. A rather hostile couple went into it. The guy was clearly pissed off at having to wait so long for a cab.

Ok better not be a light bulb and antagonise a fire boar. I shall wait for the next cab to come.

My heart sank when another hostile looking couple went up to the next cab. The guy got ang kongs all over his arms. The girl smoked until she looked like a chimmey. Would I be kidnapped and sold to Desker Road if I got into this cab? But inexplicably, they got out.

The cab was not going in their direction.

A young lady reacted swiftly and pounced on the cab before me. This might be my only chance to get out of this cursed place. I better act fast. I put on my most pitiful and desperate face and opened front door of the cab.

"Miss, may I hitch a ride to wherever you are going? I desperately need to get out of here because it's so hard to get a cab!"

他妈的... Sounded so 琼瑶。It's like I will 陪你走到天涯海角like that. So mushy. I think she must be super chua dio lah.

But somehow it worked! She agreed to let me tag along free of charge! Must have been the tears (of desperation) that sparkled in my eyes which did the trick.

I triumphantly rode my way out towards Bedok. Yes I was clearly embarassed with my bold behavior, and yet grateful to the generosity of the young lady. The cab driver let me off somewhere near Tweety's house.

Now comes the key question. Was my reasoning right? i.e. It would be easier to get a vacant cab as long as I am out of ECP.

I wouldn't know for sure. My previous experience of getting vacant cabs at this area was pretty good because I used to take cabs home from my camp (which also happened to be around here).

Would I be rewarded again tonight?

Let's just cross the road, then wait and see. 5 seconds later, not 1 but 3 vacant cabs appeared out of the slip road and sped towards me! I even had the luxury of choosing which brand I wanted. Comfort, Citycab, or SMRT.

I knew I had reached the promised land.

I took the Citycab taxi home because my dad also drives for Citycab.

So here I am, drinking my brother's heartwarming campbell soup and writing all these happening stuff online. I wonder what would happen if I did not shamelessly approach that lady for help. I wonder what time would I reach home if I just followed law. In any case,

If not for that cab, I will still be drinking tears at ECP.

Blog (Week 6)

Haven't had time to write blogs for blogspot these days, because I have a blogging assignment from NIE!

One of my modules require us to blog weekly. Sai. That explains why my scarce blogging energies was sapped up by a non-appreciative audience.

Anyway I had decided to "da bao" one of the blogs from my assignment for everyone to take a look. Sounds like the most meaningful/sane piece of shit I had put up over there so far.

Blog (Week 6) - edit history delete
Created on Thursday, 02/22/2007 10:33 PM by . KHOO SHUN CHIH (PS0607)
Updated on Thursday, 02/22/2007 10:40 PM by . KHOO SHUN CHIH (PS0607)

I think I had missed out on last week’s blog.

Nevermind, I think it would be all right to “da bao” one week’s worth of blog from Dr Khong. At most she also “da bao” one week’s worth of marks from me. That would only be fair.

Anyway I am seldom so “hardworking”, as in posting a new entry on a weekday. However it would be a good idea to write down my reflections and thoughts after Mdm Aslinah’s sharing session while they are still fresh in my mind.

I found her opinions very refreshing, since the bulk of the module had been emphasising on homes as important stakeholders due to the school-home partnerships. Then came along a practitioner at ground level telling us that “students comes first, students first, students are our primary stakeholder, everything we do is for the benefit of the students.”

That really highlighted the gulf between NIE as a “think tank” institution and schools the “reality”. I feel that an exposure to both extremes is important for the complete development of a teacher. No point having a teacher who is so idealistic that none of his/her ideas can be implemented. Also no point having a teacher who is so jaded and seasoned that he/she rejects any refreshing changes/solutions.

I rather liked her ending message, which was about “staying true to the service”. Teaching is not a lucrative job, but it provides more than enough to get by. Since we are all in it, we should make the most out of it. It will be encouraging to know that at the end of the day, we had done something to change the lives of students positively, or at least make their learning experience more enjoyable.

I was a victim of teachers who were highly proficient in their CK and PCK such that their lessons were a mechanized production of ’A’ producing products/students year after year. I am grateful to them for the quality education they provided, but not so grateful for the quality of time spent in the classroom.

The greatest testimony a teacher could receive from students would be the memories of the time spent in the classroom with the teacher. It would be a tragedy if students could not remember anything, or could only remember the grades they got in that subject, or worse remember the teacher for all the wrong reasons.

Whenever I look at my brother before he leaves for school, it was a reflection of what I was during my school days. “Sian, have to wake up early and be tortured to tears again.” or “wah today have a lesson from this )@)(#@*%#(&%*(#$&. I don’t want to go to school already!”

Sounds like schools haven’t improved much over the years.

Why not do something such that they would think “wow today this guy is coming to give us a lesson again. Sometimes he is funny, sometimes he is lame. He knows our names and is concerned about our grades. His assignments we can manage and he encourages.”

I think if anyone could ever do the above, students will confirm wake up with a rage... err I mean wake up with a start in the morning before they go to school.

A clown cannot teach, a clown can only entertain. A sage can teach, but a sage might find it hard to entertain. So a teacher should be somewhere in the middle.

A sagely clown? Or a clowning sage?

No. A teacher should just remain as what he or she is, because he or she is unique.

That is simply, a teacher.

Singapore vs Thailand (2nd leg)

I am ashamed to be a Singapore fan. I did not rush home after my game this evening to catch the live telecast of Sg vs Thailand. Reason?

Lions are lame. Thailand sure tok them if they play their usual game.

So there I was, dilly dally with Bollocks at the kopi-tiam near the field where we played our game today. We spent close to 50 mins criticising how fucked up they are instead of showing our support for them. Finally we had enough of the talk cock session and made our way home for the 2nd half.

When I switched on the tv, yeah. The result was as expected. Singapore was trailing by a goal. And Thailand had so much of the possession at this stage of the match (55++ mins), a second goal was beckoning.

And that goal almost materialised. I don't know what the fuck Aide and Lewis were doing. Aide let Sutee beat him, slide and got nothing, Lewis saw that and also slided and did nothing. The ball trickled to another thai player. The made a fucked up connection, then luck seemed to favour thailand again. The ball rolled nicely into the path of Nutnum. He just had to lap the ball firmly into either side of the goal and sg's misery would be completed. I really thought that was a gone fuck situation liao. How can the ball tyco-ly ended up in the possessions of two thai players in the box in succession? Confirm lady lucked wanted thailand to win, to redress the grievance Ravi caused at the national stadium.

Nobody expected Noh Rahman to make such a SUPERB, last ditch sliding tackle to save the ball. Really reminded me of Borhan Abu Samah's goal line clearance during the sg selangor match at Shah Alam stadium 12 years ago. The moment that ball went out, I felt something.

There was hope.

After that wake up call, the lions began to be more conscious in keeping possession to break down thailand's momentum. That worked. Cui kia (Amri) was running round like a circus, his touches failing him and Singapore every time he touched the ball. He was depriving me of the hope I stubbornly held onto.

Just then, sg won a free kick at the right flank. Cheena boy sui sui floated the ball into the box, Iskak the hard breast chested the ball way too far in front of him for him to control it. Just as all hope was lost, Alam sprang in front and made a mid air left foot volley which disappointingly ended up in the keeper's hands.

The longer Sg tried to hold on, the longer the pain in all the hearts of the fans lingered. It was like dying a slow and painful death. I wanted to switch off the tv liao.

The ball was passed to cui kia again. He was going to clown around and frown on the ground yet again. Cui kia shielded the ball and made a nice turn.

He shook off his marker.

Thonglao went to ji siao him, but he did not foul cui kia because thailand somehow did not give him much respect. They also had the idea that cui kia would self-destruct sooner or later. And so the defenders backed off and backed off.

Cui kia just tapped the ball forward and forward with small enterprising steps.

By the time cui kia reached the edge of the box, the thai defenders still did not close him down. Niweat Sirawong still steped away to allow cui kia a free shot at goal. They must be thinking he wouldn't have the composure to shoot properly, since the keeper was between the the space shown by the defenders.

Cui kia just lap the ball with his outstep. The sweet curl of the ball chopped the top right hand corner of the net.

GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even as he was running around like a clown for good this time, even his facial expressions betrayed his own belief that he actually scored a potential winner for sg. That "wu ya bo" look followed by wiping his face with his palm was that tell tale sign.

Cui kia had a fucked up AFC in my opinion. 99% of his touches were like sai. But the 5 touches he made before he struck that goal were flawless. (Control + turn + tap + tap + shoot). All his lousy misses and lame first touches were forgiven.

Mr Amri, without you we would not have won the match. I thank you for the goal that rekindled national pride in Singapore soccer.

This time, we became dai gor for the third time.

This time, we became dai gor on foreign soil for the second time.

But most importantly,

This time we won the cup from thailand for the first time.

Eason Chan Live in Singapore 2007!!!

Just got back from Eason Chan’s live in Singapore 2007 on 06/01/2007!!!

It had been the concert I had been waiting for since he released “Shi Nian” a few years back. I almost couldn’t believe my luck last September that tickets were on sale for this upcoming performance today!

That made me one of the first to book a ticket.

That early move paid off handsomely as I was rewarded with a pretty decent seat in my area. It was a blessing in disguise to have bought the $68 (the cheapest) one because those were the only elevated seats in the whole expo. For people like me who would be there to appreciate music and not jostle with the crowd, a seat that did not require me to tilt my head up to the stage and kept me away from the fanatics was everything I could ask for.

His opening number, “Bu Ru Zhe Yang” was spectacularly choreographed to usher his introduction. It began with just a spot light shone on the stage, with the silhouette of a man holding a guitar singing the beginning of the song. We didn’t even know that was a translucent curtain until it fell off emphatically upon the first word of the chorus!

And guess what? He was there all along with his band behind the curtains.

There he was, singing and playing to a guitar slung to his shoulder. So cool! I was very impressed with the quality of the sound reproduction. His voice was flawlessly reproduced on the speakers, crystal clear. That alone already made up for the also good lightings and lack of dancers (as compared to his Hong Kong version.)

Perhaps since this was the opening number, the lighting effects were more varied and spectacular than the rest of the songs. (Except for Lonely Christmas. That was song with the most effects in the entire concert.) But it was ok. I was very impressed with the introduction!

As with most concerts, the first few songs would be dominated by higher tempo ones while the singer was still fresh and had the energy to hop and dance. Although Eason did not win his accolades by his quick numbers, his notorious bubbly personality did not make those songs seem like making up the number. In fact, it livened up the whole atmosphere. As he admitted it later,

“I am going to lose 2 pounds after all these jumping.”

He was also a born joker.

“Lei dei hou mou? Ngoh yi ga zam see zong OK lah.”
(How are you guys doing? I’m still doing fine now.)

“My daughter looks like me? Of course man. If not look like you meh?”
I bet none of us paid just to listen to his more obscure songs. WE WANT HIS GREATEST HITS LIVE ON THE STAGE!

I think whoever planned the sequence of the songs was smart. There were no two great ballads in a row. Every ballad was sandwiched either by an obscure song or some Cantonese ding dong which I could not make sense of (with my limited Cantonese). Nonetheless with the quality of his voice, even Ma-ri-ki-ta would sound like a #1 hit on radio.

That’s the magic of a great singer. Their vocals alone can even make you enjoy songs that you don’t understand.

As I waited the whole night for its arrival, it came with the most subtle hint from the singer himself.

“The composers and I had this in mind when we came up with this song. We hoped that whoever listened to it will try to communicate better with his or her family and friends.”

What else could that song be? It was none other than SHALL WE TALK!!!

This was taken at the moment he began the song.















Sigh, by the time two great ballads DID come in a row, they were the last two songs of the concert. “Sheng Dan Jie and Ming Nian Jing Ri.”

“I am one of the few privileged singers to have my own Christmas song. I hope you will enjoy it.”

Just by listening to that song in my car could put me into a trance. Now you want me to witness it sung live by the MAN himself in the midst of blown pieces of streamers simulating snow?

His final number was one of my favourite which I happened to catch Tweety singing it secretly in his room back in RH days. I seriously hope next year this time he will be back again for another concert. That will be confined to my day dreams though…

Unless I am willing to pay $6.8M for a ticket instead of $68.

Although he had disappeared from the stage, everyone knew that was an encore call. The crowd didn’t disappoint though, everyone crammed the front of the stage instead of leaving. Eason was back after a short rest.

To sum up the night, while his lesser known songs were able to generate a sense of respect from the audience out of his superb vocals, it were his hits that kept the audience captivated and mesmerized time and again. That surreal feeling that kept resurfacing time and again from “Bu Ru Zhe Yang”, “Ni De Bei Bao”, “Shall We Talk”, “Sheng Dan Jie”, “Ming Nian Jing Ri”, “Dui Bu Qi Xie Xie” and many more was testament to an unique aura that only an accomplished singer like him could command. While he was going through those songs, I could only watch in awe at the quality of the performance. Every cent of the $68 paid was more than worth it. I will regret not spending that money.

Nonetheless all good things have to come to an end. This time, he made sure he bade a perfect farewell.

“You are beautiful! Thank you SINGAPORE!”

Thank you Eason for this wonderful night too.

I DID IT!!!

We had a pretty good game today. Perhaps the opponents made us look good. I wouldn’t say a team of middle aged men would pose much of a resistance to us, but nonetheless a good win was a good game.

Since this was the last game of the year, why not enjoy ourselves and go out with a bang?

It was as enjoyable seeing everyone play with confidence as much as playing the game. I ruled the defence for once. After only 20 mins into the game, we were 3-0 up.

Then it had to come.

Farid was brought down in the box, and the ref did not hesitate to award a penalty. Once again, everyone turned their gaze to me. I knew I can’t run away. I had to take it.

Take it easy and take it the way I had rehearsed in my mind all these while.

Put the ball down on the spot, left boot to its left, right boot at the point of contact with the ball. Then take four steps back. Right foot back, left foot back, right foot back again, the left foot back. Go slightly further back to compensate for the greater strides from running later. Aim for the lower right corner. Just think of the lower right corner.

Now just wait for the whistle.

“PEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Left foot forward, take a look at the ball. Right foot forward, take a look at the target. Left foot forward again and take a last look at the ball, then strike the ball with the right foot!

“Please go to the lower right hand corner…”

My heart dropped when the keeper stayed his ground and did not dive. My shot was not struck very accurately so it drifted more to the centre. Fortunately, the keeper did not dive to the right either. He just landed on his ass and saw the ball sail past his left thigh.

GOAL!!!

My immediate celebration might a bit extravagant, but for those who knew the hat trick of misses earlier on, they forgave me.

Finally, I managed to get a goal before the year ended. And what a way to lay the previous ghosts to rest before the New Year began.

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone!!!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2006

Today is SCM '06 – the day of my first marathon. Instead of waking up with zest and anticipation, I was shrouded by a cloud of uncertainty instead.

“Will my archilles tendon give way in the middle of the race? What will be the maximum I can last?”

I was particularly worried about my maximum distance because I did not do anything close to 30 km in my trainings. Why didn’t I train until 30? Procrastination, haze, busy rushing assignments, underestimation of the distance during my trainings, inexperience…

Excuses.

I should have done a better and earlier preparation for it. Anyway it was too late to be worried about all these. The race will start in 2 hours’ time. Try my best and see how things go.

I was on my way to the start point after a can of red bull, 1 litre of water, and 2 bars of snickers.

Atmosphere at the esplanade was rather inspiring. The emcee said something which I found quite meaningful later on in the race.

“This is your own race. Yes, I mean you the guy from Chua Chu Kang who travels to Shenton Way to work everyday. You, the lady who lives in Pasir Ris. All of you, ordinary people from all walks of life. This is your race! Make sure you look up and lift your chest when you cross the finishing line. You deserve it!”

You go, dude.

There wasn’t much time to let the mind wander around. The race was going to start soon. Better concentrate and consolidate my energies on the road ahead.

The full-marathon runners clearly impressed me with their attitude. I was able to begin on a jogging pace immediately after the start line. That wasn’t the case for the previous races I had participated. I used to walk for a kilometer or two after the start line in AHM.

The first 27 km were pretty comfortable. It took me through parts of marina south before first light came, a Shenton Way not used to a different type of crowd occupying its streets, the never ending stretch from Nicoll Highway to Fort Road, and 2 km past ECP Macdonalds.

Finally I felt the tendon.

To be on the safe side I did not persist, but took a short break at the water point. Managed to get some ice from the volunteers to treat the inflammation. It felt better almost immediately. After around 100m of walking I started jogging again. I was determined to put in an honest effort for this marathon.

I would not walk if I could jog.

That jogging brought me over the psychological barrier of the ECP turning point, all the way to the 30 km mark. That was then I felt a very weird fatigue engulf me. It was not the usual kind of fatigue that made me sleepy from playing hard court soccer or table tennis. Nor did it make me feel weak like working out in a gym. In fact I felt very alert and awake, but something was burning in my chest. I needed to gasp for air just to keep that fire down, and the burning just restrained my legs from making that one more step.

I had read somewhere that glycogen in the body will be depleted around the 30-32 km mark. After that the body would turn to the fat reserves to compensate energy. But fat does not burn as efficiently as glycogen, which will result in a commonly known event as "hitting the wall."

I never knew that burning of fat was such a different feeling from the burning of glycogen.

Moreover I am a skinny person, so I do not have much fat to burn. Compared to a fatter person at this stage, I should feel more tired than him/her. To make things worse, I am starting to feel the cramps. I still have 12 km to go. What should I do?

Just as my legs started to limp uncontrollably, some of the best images of my life suddenly surfaced before my eyes. Like old friends coming forth with their encouragement.

The sharp pain in my left calf broke me out of my trance.

I knew it would be impossible to complete the rest of the distance by jogging. For someone who ran and exercised regularly, it definitely dealt a huge blow to my ego. Even if I were to reach the finishing line later, the satisfaction would no longer be there. I could not meet my target of completing this marathon by running. Why continue since I am no longer enjoying it?

To make things worse, it threatened to rain at the 32km mark (the Fort Road exit of East Coast Park).

I was highly demoralized by then. My cramped up legs, the inflamed Achilles tendon, the slight drizzle which had already descended, the inexplicable fatigue from glycogen depletion, not able to make it back in 6 hours… I just stood there in the middle of the crowd watching people overtake me.

It was at this moment that I saw an image that would stay in my mind for a long time to come. It was an old man jogging in such small steps that he would faster if he walked. Yet he persevered with his small steps. I wanted to question his reason for not taking the more efficient alternative by walking, and his Adidas “Reason” tag secured at his back gave everyone the answer.

“The beauty is in the quality of the steps you make.”

Irregardless of how fast you completed the marathon, irregardless of how others do better than you, irregardless of how incompetent you are. No matter how slow a runner may be, as long as each step he/she made at that point in time was the best effort put in, the honesty involved made it flawlessly beautiful.

Isn’t it the same in life? As long as we tried our best and put in our best effort in whatever decisions we make, the results are inconsequential. To put it simply,

No regrets at the end of the day.

Regrets = Something could have been done to make it better along the way = Not the best effort put it.

No Regrets = Even if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would still produce the same result = I had done all that I could.

That same old man was about 50m ahead of me getting ready to turn out into Fort Road. From this moment onwards I knew there could only be one image of a dashing man in my mind.

Not those handsome men with well-built bodies parading on tv.

But someone who had the courage to go on despite things not going their way.

Just like that old man who was taking his own but assured small steps. Just like the lady who limped on despite the obvious pain that she was feeling.

And I just realised I was one of these beautiful people around.

That gave me the determination to go on. It was hard to believe that moments ago, I was feeling so disgusted with myself for not able to complete this thing by jogging. Now I am proud of myself for walking. Nonetheless a lot of pressure was relieved when I lowered my expectations of myself. It was then that I began to appreciate the strangers cheering for all of us along the way.

The group of tai tais toasting champagne to use all morning at Fort Road. The ang mo who literally shouted at everyone who dared to walk in his area at ECP. The man who held up his banner at Kallang which so deeply touched me. It said,

“Silent warrior. The body will give excuses, but it is mind over matter.”

And of course, people from churches and many others more giving out water melons, bananas, drinks, deep heat, lubricants, every goodie you could think of.

And now who said Singapore is a society full of selfish people?

As I filled myself with more positive thoughts along the way, the journey seemed to pass faster and became more enjoyable. There were a couple of times where I chatted with strangers as if they were friends of mine, just because I offered to share my deep heat with them while stretching. But I had to break paths with them somehow, as I insisted on not walking if I could jog.

That brought me sooner than expected to the Esplanade. By now the morale was high among all of us. No one wanted to cross the line limping like a fool if we could afford the last bit of energy. From the 41km mark onwards, there were more joggers than walkers.

42km mark. The beginning of the last stretch of the race. As I took my first step into the final 195m, the huge gantry above it shouted out my timing loudly.

5:40:39+++

Goodness, I am still within my target of finishing below 6 hours! What a nice twist at the end. That drove me to a striding pace all the way to the finish.

I was glad that I had completed it finally. The feeling of running that last 195m was simply magical. The crowd, the noise, the ambience, the huge gantry which loomed closer and closer, and of course,

The beckoning of a personal milestone.

They simply drowned all the bitching made at the 30km mark. Right now I couldn’t be more proud of my trashed legs, my more than exhausted self, and the cool looking finisher’s tee.

Among the many important lessons I had brought away with me from this experience, one clearly stood out.

More often than not, things are very much different from what we had thought to be. Just take it easy with no regrets and life will be great.

That doesn’t mean I will take it easy on my preparation for SC 2007. Because from another one of the lessons learnt, preparing for a marathon is a serious business. If I tried to cut corners in my preparation, the distance will not lie, and they will prevail ultimately.

I still haven’t completed my objective of completing a marathon by running. But I know someday I will get it done. It may not be 2007, it may be much later. But even if that day finally arrived, it can never displace the significance of SCM 2006 in my life. Because in 2006,

I learnt humility from the most painful 12 kilometres of my life.

Sorao Miagete

Finally time to post new entries on this blog!

Life away from assignments and deadlines sure felt good! For once the mind is not occupied by things to be done. A holiday can never be called a holiday unless the mind gets a good rest.

This week also marked the unofficial start of my holidays. I haven’t made much plans yet. Just wanted to complete my marathon first and see how things go. Come to think of it, time really flies. It didn’t feel that long ago that I was still living the days of sleeping in the bunk and playing lan at Gann Boon’s lan shop.

Those were the good old days man.

I proclaim to have pretty good driving skills in real life, but in that stupid SAF computer game called “flashpoint resistance”, no one dared to long pang in my rover. Why? I always ram into a tree or tried to cheong straight into the enemy in a valiant effort to run them down. In the end I either ran down MY OWN TEAMMATES running in the same direction or gave my friends a lift to the afterworlds. Anyone, ANYONE, who took a ride in my land rover will end up with a computer screen bathed in red, and then their character will become a little bird after a few minutes.

After while my friends devised an effective way to handle the (would be wasted) vehicular resources under my atrocious driving. To prevent wastage of scarce vehicles in the game, they would climb up onboard beside me and blast their rifles off in my direction. After that another guy would take over the wheels and continue with the game, while I became a little bird. Ok lah, at least they still bothered to expend 01 x magazine worth of rounds on me. At least I am not worth a one bullet kill.

My fortunes did not become better when I became the passenger. Perhaps used to that bad habit of shooting the GREAT driver, they would BLAST THEIR RIFLES off in my direction the moment I hopped on board. Driver or not, my fate with the rover is closely tied to a little bird in the sky.

I don’t blame them. My gaming skills are right in the pits. All I could contribute to the game was to pick up an anti-tank weapon and fire a missile in the direction of my friends’ rover. The explosion that followed was simply beautiful.

Unfortunately my destructive influence in the games I participated earned me unwanted reputation, and thanks to that reputation I was almost ousted from the lan shop by Gann Boon and friends. Fortunately, one magical word I learnt from the malay driver saved the day.

Tolong.

Finally they relented and allowed me to stay in the lan shop till my last days in camp. Thanks guys. You simply rock.

There were many other unforgettable moments back in those days. I had better write the following one down before I forget it in future.

The day I spent up on the mountain with sergeant (NS) Sammy and Tan Yeat Cheong.

Ok lah, maybe I was exaggerating. The knoll was only 100+ metres high so it was strictly not a mountain. I don’t think my flat on the 30th storey is higher than bukit timah, so that knoll we were on that day was at least 30th storey high.

We were supposed to provide surveillance to an axis which a convoy of enemy tanks would most likely take. To sidetrack, we were THE enemy during that exercise. The convoy of tanks were the SAF, the good guys. So in order to provide reliable spying service on that axis, we had to be in position by the night before. But since it was too dark and dangerous to climb up the knoll at night,

We just slept through the night at the foot of knoll.

At 0600, we were up and alive. Daylight kicks in pretty early at that time of the year in Queensland. First light came on a daily average at 0530 hours. By 0630, we were up on the top.

What a sight it was up there!

A clear blue sky blanketed the land as far as the horizons allowed. Apart from the range of mountains to our north (called the Polygon Range), there was nothing to obstruct the endless piece of sky above us. Compared to Singapore where buildings always blocked out parts of the sky,

What I was seeing then must have come from the heavens.

Immediately I felt happier. The fresh air, serenity, and space up there were so beautiful and yet precious. Mai tu liao. Chop chop spread out the ground sheet and lie down to admire the scenery.

There were different shades of blue. The lighter shades were closer to the horizon where the sun was rising. What captivated me were the darker shades that loomed right above.
They seemed to hint at the endless space beyond it.

The infiniteness of the universe. The insignificance of man.

Nature is so vast, so impressive, so beautiful, and yet so mysterious. Admiring nature never failed to make me and my problems feel so insignificant.

Just stop Tan Yeat Cheong from spoiling the ambience with his 101 facts about the penis.

As my gaze got absorbed into the surreal shades of blue, many good old memories and songs returned.

Hitotsu ai wo ushinau tabi
Whenever I fall out of love

Mi ni utsuru subete monokuro ni mieru
Everything I see turns monochrome

Futari yoku itta sutajium no shiai
We often used to go see the games at the stadium

Taisetsu na hi sae mou dou demo yoku natte iru
But the good old days mean nothing to me anymore

Daisuki na mono wa tatoe anata ga inakute mo
Even after you have gone, I still want to tell the world

Daisuki da tte iitai no ni
What is it that I truly love

Sorao miagete
Looking up to the sky

Namida koborenai you ni
I try holding back my tears

Kaze ni yureru furaggu iro azayaka na kinou
Flags were moving in the wind and things seemed brighter yesterday

Sorao miagete
Looking up to the sky

Yoku yume wo katatta ne
We used to talk about our dreams

Donna mubou na yume mo kanaisou na ki ga shita
No matter how far out of reach they seemed, dreams could come true

Ano kagayaki uso ja nai to itte yo
Tell me that fire in your eyes is not a lie.

Give Up?

Today I missed 2 penalties. TWO. The first one could have got us in the lead. The second could have won the game for us.

It’s time to call it a day. I shall tell everyone that not to waste hard earned penalties on me. Get someone else to take it. Score the goals and win the game. I’m not going to score next one and I’m not going to take it.

Why risk inviting more embarrassment, shame, disappointment, and insults from opponents and teammates? Why invite more damage to my already low confidence? Just insist on not taking the next one. Someone else will have to take it. The goals will come. There must be a reason why I’m not an attacker.

I really want to give up.

Right now the thought of taking another penalty scares me. I just want to run away. Say all you want. I am weak. I am fucked up. Whatever.

Especially the second penalty. When it was awarded, I had told Teh to take it himself. He had suffered a crunching tackle to win it. I am pretty comfortable standing away from it. No one disagreed with my rational decision either. I did not shamelessly insist on being some superstar which obviously I am not. But Teh pointed to no one but me after placing the ball on the spot. No one contested with Teh’s decision since he was the one who won it. He had the right to do whatever he wanted with it. Then everyone started to look at me with Teh. Some even offered words of encouragement.

But they mattered little.

The ball still went out wide on the right post. No more spectacular efforts to blast the ball into the top corner. I just tried to place it in the bottom corner, but my technique still let me down. I couldn’t believe why Teh wanted me to take it. To sabo me? Come on man, penalties are rare stuff. Why waste them on me? Couldn’t you just fucking take them yourself and score the goals? I shouldn’t have volunteered to take the penalty the other day. Look at the mess I am in now.

But come to think of it. I still couldn’t understand why he kept faith in me despite 2 bad misses. But I am really grateful to Teh for that. Singapore is such a meritocratic place. There is very little tolerance for mistakes and failures. For someone to give up a golden chance generously for a clown like me really makes Teh such a valuable friend.

There were others who scorned too. I don’t blame them. I really fucked up the show. But I’m grateful to those who kept their faith in me despite putting disappointment on their faces time and again. Thanks to Teh, Keith, and Bernard for your encourage and assurance. Still, Bernard and Teh said some frightening stuff after the game.

Bernard, ”You are going to continue taking penalties until you break the duck. No one will take them until you score.”

Teh, “Good game Ah Lang. Next week’s penalty is still yours!”

Those lines really made me swallow a big gulp of saliva down my throat. I may not score the next one you know… I may have to disappoint you guys again. I still feel very scared and miserable now. The ghost is still haunting me.

But the fear of missing another penalty can never be worse than the fear of letting a pal like Teh down. For the support he had shown for all 3 misses so far, it doesn’t take an idiot to figure out that he is a generous man with his actions and words. If I were to let such a good man down, then I am really a shameless clown.

I may not even be allowed to take the next one. I may not even score even if I take it. I may drive home in such a miserable mood again. But I will seriously start practicing my shots everyday, in school and at home so as not to let my conscious down, not to let Teh down.

For such a person is hard to come by.

I am grateful to all the faith everyone has kept in me today. I won’t blame anyone if they lose that faith someday. I am just happy that there are people in this world who believed in me no matter how badly I do. I can suffer more humiliation and disappointment. I fell hard this time. But I need to fall. It’s all in the process of growing up.

Right now though, I still feel like crying from all the helplessness. But I will not give up.

Because you had believed in me today.

Never Give Up

Today I missed a penalty. To make it worse, I volunteered to take it. It should be a terrible feeling to volunteer for a penalty and miss it spectacularly, but not for me.

That miss was a personal milestone in my life.

I had played football regularly for 5 years of my life. Unfortunately, I didn’t have much luck with the attacking positions. I started out as striker, but I only had some pace to show for it. I didn’t have the technique and intelligence to beat others in a disadvantageous situation (1 to 2 strikers against 4 defenders). My hall team still kept faith in my pace and pushed me to the wings where I could exploit my pace. My crossing became my undoing again. What’s the use of a winger who could run but cannot cross?

Gradually over the years, I was relegated to the defence. It was where I started to taste some success. In defence, technique is not as important as discipline and bravery. For people who can’t do all the mazy dribbles and not strong enough to hold off the challenges of defenders, last man or full backs are the ideal positions for me.

I just had to sprint with the strikers and wingers and rob the ball from them. After getting the ball, a simple pass to my players would do. No need for any extravagant dribbles to beat their attackers. That brand of football suited me best.

Then why the penalty today?

I should give some background information about the game today to justify my actions. I am not a show off or attention seeking person by nature. I know which penalties I could take and I should not. I did not step up for the penalties when the inter-hall games semi-finals went to the shootout last year. I did not step up for the crucial penalties in my weekend league games. I knew my shooting wasn’t as good as my clearances after years of playing as a defender. I should not jeopardize the chances of the team with a showtime attitude. Penalties rare events among games, and low stake penalties are even scarcer.

We played really well today against a weak team. Both the attack and defence were in total control. The only player wasting his time on the pitch should be our keeper. There was simply nothing much for him to do except for collecting loose throughballs from the opponents. By the 90th minute, we were winning 4-0 already. Just at that moment, Marcus received a foul from their defender inside the box. The ref pointed to the spot without hesitation. No one wanted to take it. Everyone expected Marcus to take it since he had won it, but he didn’t want to.

I was telling myself. That was one of the very rare low stake penalties that would occur in my life. Whether I miss it or not, we would still have trashed them while keeping a clean sheet. The penalty was academic. It won’t affect the result of the game. It would only make Ah Lang score his first ever goal in his life or become a clown. I am not afraid of failure. I just don’t want to regret not having taken a penalty all my life.

I stepped up confidently, all the while I was aiming at the top corner. I took a few steps backward, drew a huge backlift and blasted the ball. But the contact wasn’t good. The ball flew embarrassingly off target. The final whistle blew after that shot.

What an anti climax to a good game. If I had reproduced that sort of penalty in the world cup, I would have been shot to death by an assassin the next day.

Like Diego Escobar in USA’94.

Fortunately it was only a quiet friendly on a Sunday evening. There wasn’t any spectators except for the occasionally uncle pedestrian who stopped by for a glimpse and kids on the flats around the field. Nonetheless, the penalty was a milestone for me in many areas of my life.

I remembered not so long ago that I was very protective over myself. I dared not venture out and do the things which I felt had little chance for success. Even for the things which I tried, I pulled up the moment things did not look well. The fear of failure and losing my pride for doing things wrongly were two obstacles which inhibited me from trying anything.

ANYTHING.

My self-confidence was very low. I could do nothing right. Everything was so well-thought out in my mind that I stopped trying them altogether. I either lacked the ability or the gains from doing them were not enough. Nothing got done in the end. I had no control over my life. Everything was decided by others. I was lagging behind my peers.

I was enclosed in a helpless world of my own.

I was frustrated with myself for being so useless. Even my football sucked in the weekends. I couldn’t pass properly, couldn’t clear properly, couldn’t do anything useful except whacking the ball away. I was always comparing myself with the Ah Lang of the past when I played much better.

If such a penalty surfaced in my life then, I would definitely pass up the chance and let another player take it. Most likely a better player than me would score it, but somehow that goal would be forgotten after a few games.

What happened which made me change my attitude in life?

I couldn’t remember exactly when, but sometime this year, I made a terrible mistake which conceded a goal. It was a very painful mistake. That goal changed the whole complexion of the game. I was the cause of it. Before that goal my team was actually playing well. That goal almost made me lose faith in football and myself. Why did I make that kind of mistake when I was making a conscious effort not to do anything rash?

I began thinking a lot after that incident. Initially I was very angry. Angry with myself for making mistakes when I had consciously tried to eliminate them in my way of doing things. The end result was the most important thing at the end of the day. I had been brought up that way. In school, getting As and scoring good grades were what mattered. The process didn’t matter. The quality of my life in and beyond school didn’t matter.

Not able to make the cut mattered.

I was brought up in an environment where the people around me were of high calibre. Failure was an uncommon sight in the community surrounding my youth.

Somehow that perspective changed as I grew older and have more experience in life. No matter how hard I tried at every game and instance in my life, mistakes will still happen. I still concede goals. I still got knocked down to the ground by wingers and strikers and letting them score a goal past me. I still regret over things which I shouldn’t have said to others. I still take things for granted without treasuring them until they are lost.

I still can’t prevent all of the above from happening.

There came to a stage whereby the frequency of failures made me realise that they are part and parcel of life. No one could have a smooth sailing life free from failures. Everyone will have to encounter some form of failure in our lives. The actual failing is not most important thing, but

How we handle failures and grow from them is.

It sounds clichéd, but the process is more important than the destination. That idea helped a lot. I began to take more initiative in my life. If I do not have a say in my life, then who else? Failures became less intimidating now. The pain received from them was the basis of the driving force which kept me going subconsciously.

I know failures will still occur no matter how hard I wanted to avoid them. Wouldn’t it be more worthwhile to try and see what happens than to sit back and wait for failure to come?

Never give up. Never stop trying. That is the essence of life.

I became a better person after that. Using football as an example again, I used to shirk myself of responsibilities. I refused to take goal kicks because I could not kick far. The fear of a bad kick and embarrassing myself or worse, conceding a goal was too much to bear. Now I took whatever chances I could to take a goal kick. Never mind the lousy kicks, never mind the embarrassment. If I never tried, I could never improve. Fortunately my keeper often passed the goal kicks to me, and that helped a lot.

Right now I am the default goal kick taker other than the goal keeper for my Sunday evening team. Taking up responsibility is a good thing. It is the driving force to excel and work for others. Even if things don’t go well, I can’t give up because it is not about me only. I have to consider others’ feelings too.

If one goal kick didn’t go well, make sure the next one is good. If not, then the next next one, next next next one, and so on. If I can’t get the ball from the striker now, make sure I whack him dammed hard the next time, the next next time, the next next next time, if I had said something that had offended another person, make sure I don’t say it ever again, ever ever again, ever ever ever again...

Being conscious or trying harder is better than being conscious of avoiding to fail.

That explained why I stepped up to take that penalty today. Compared to the Ah Lang who dared not even take a goal kick not so long ago, he had certainly came a long way to muster enough courage to stand before the spot. No doubt his lack of technique made his miss look awfully embarrassing, but that was an important moment in his life.

At least if he ever felt lost again, he could look back at this incident and say, “Hey, I had been through worse stuff. I had actually stepped up for a penalty missed! What else could get me down?”

Fortunately my friends were a forgiving bunch. I really appreciated the reassurance and encouragement of Bollocks and Keith. Bollocks said that missing a penalty today would mean scoring the next one tomorrow. The reason was that I will never take the next penalty the way I had did today. That was very true. Keith was even kinder. He told me that if I wasn’t around, the game might have ended up 5-5 instead of 4-0. Of course they were disappointed too. I had to apologise to Marcus. He worked so hard to earn it, only for me to fuck it up. Sorry dude, I know that miss hurt. You would have made more out of that chance than I did.

Enough of self-comforting. I am still a footballer with pride. The pain of that miss will linger in my mind for a long time. I will have to endure many sleepless nights over it. But I will not be discouraged. I willto put in more effort to train my shots. I will excel in shooting which I had been avoiding for a long time in my life. I had lost the confidence of my pals (in my penalty taking) and some of my pride. But I had gained a driving force out of those losses. I will train with the image of this disappointing episode in my mind. I wouldn’t know when that chance will ever surface again, but if it ever happens,

I will score my next penalty.

High Morale Day

Today we finally won our first game in 1 month! 8-2! Muahahahaha

The lads played well today. We were keeping the ball at the back, ran for one another. Determined in our attack. Disciplined in defence. I even had a chance to go up for two corners!When was the last time we were so superlative?

Thanks guys. You guys go.

When I got home my favourite parking lot (Lot 1) was vacant!

I am truly blessed. ^^

Shall We Talk?

Didn’t felt like doing any work today, especially I had just finished three presentations and one assignment this week. Friday naturally became a self-imposed day to unwind. How appealing that would be for a time deprived person like me.

To add to the ecstasy, I end classes early on Fridays. I am free to leave NIE after 1230.

There was only one thing in mind when I hopped onto the train on my way home: I desperately needed to catch up on some sleep! My bed had never looked more enticing (although it had always been). Nonetheless I wouldn’t mind lying there for a few good hours like a dead log. Sleep had always been such a luxury.

The level of fatigue in me caught me by surprise as well. I could not believe I actually could lose a fraction of my consciousness just by sitting in the train. I was fighting a losing battle against myself over the control of my eyelids. Never realised that eyelids required so much strength to lift. I used to think the elephantine weights in the gym were much heavier!

Just as I was about to give up that struggle and let my eyelids fall to grace, someone managed to walk past me and let me catch a glimpse of her in the nick of the time.
And I was wide awake.

She was a total stranger after taking a closer look at her. Yet she exuberated a quality which made her feel so familiar. Her dressing and the way of she walked reminded me of my grandmother. She also reminded me of the stark fact that I had not visited grandma for half a year! Since I am free today why not pay her a visit?

Twenty minutes later, I found myself walking towards her flat. The short walk from the train station to her house certainly brought back many memories. The route remained unchanged; the same shops were still there after so many years, the same buzz of activity around the town centre… I am sure she would be pleasantly surprised by my sudden visit.

The familiar tranquil of the void deck was the best welcome I could receive. It was the same tranquil which made me enjoy going to her house over the years. None of the slightest hints of Singapore’s fast pace of life. When I finally arrived at her doorstep, I was so happy just seeing her resting on the sofa.

“Ah Ma, I’m here to visit you!” (in broken Hokkein. As always.)

But she just sat there, giving me a puzzled look as she turned her face towards the door. Where was the irrepressible smile of the past?

“I’m sorry I can’t remember who you are. My abdominal pains are affecting my memory. Pai seh.”

Pai seh. The two words so often abused by me and my friends in our lives. Everytime we tried to be funny after insulting one another, we say paiseh. But in those contexts pai seh was said in the spirit of fun.

Today was the first time someone said pai seh to me meaning every bit of it. And it was the first time those two words hurt.

“I am Ah Poh’s son. Can you remember me?”

Ah Poh is how she remembered by father. Fortunately she could remember him, and her reluctance to open the door slowly faded.

“Ah Poh and Shirley. I am their eldest son. Can you remember? I used to play with Henry and Michael in the kampong.”

Ah… Henry and Michael brought back more connections. They are my elder cousins. They are the grandsons which she should have the deepest impressions of since they were the eldest grandchilds. If she couldn’t remember them, then I would have lost all hope.

“Yes Henry and Michael. I remember them.”

If a stranger at the door could ramble about her son, daughter-in-law, grandchildren, and her magnificent home cooked curry with such precise accuracy, there would be little doubt that this stranger is indeed her grandson.

It took me ten minutes of regurgitating whatever memory I had before she was convinced enough to open the door for me.

She asked the maid to pour a glass of water for me. I remembered from my last visit that my relatives intended to hire a maid to take care of her. Grandma was suffering from acute senile dementia. They were worried that she might forget to turn off the stove after cooking. Then she was still healthy enough to protest against hiring the maid. She said she was still able to take care of herself. And that was the week before the maid came.

Today when I saw how dependent on the maid she was, I doubt she even remembered her protests half a year ago.

“I dare not even step out of the house alone. I need her to accompany me when I need to go out of the house. I can’t walk without an umbrella as a walking aid.”

All the while I was just listening to her, since with my limited hokkein I can’t communicate effectively anyway. Fortunately I had an orange to peel and eat to hide my embarrassment.

But after the orange was finished, an awkward silence took over. I couldn’t think of anything to say, and she had ran out of things to speak. We were just looking at one another, the silence just too over whelming.

Where was the lady who told me about the war, and how she and grandpa had fled from the Japanese by hiding in the forests of Lim Chu Kang? Where was the person who told me that she was grateful to me serving NS the hard way so that we could keep enemies like the Japanese away? Where was the person who could whip up a warm pot of curry with a matching smile? Where was the lady who displayed so much strength in character that made men like me pale in comparison?

Sitting a few steps across me was one of the most beautiful women in my life (amongst my maternal grandmother and my mother). Yet the distance seemed so huge. The guilt of not visiting her frequently enough to let her keep a lasting impression of me was too great.

I left her house shortly after.

The quietness of the void deck never felt so hostile. It was as if the silence was meant for me to do some honest reflection.


情侣都善于说谎
(People lie to one another for various reasons. Some lie out of convenience, others lie to protect. The rest lie to cheat. But never ever lie to yourself.)

大人都只会向前看
(Perhaps we have been too caught up with the progress of our own lives to notice those around us?)

为什么天南地北不能互相体谅
(Why can’t everyone have more empathy for one another? Having a long day doesn’t entitle you to vent your frustrations on others. What makes you think others had a better day than you?)

蟋蟀对着螳螂
(There are bound to be people whom we have nothing to say to. Just like a cricket and mantis)

有什么东西好说
(Is there anything which we can talk about?)

Shall We Talk, Shall We Talk?

好让我们重新认识别隐瞒
(So that we can get to know each other afresh.)


请你说 我们为何变成陌路人的模样
(Why did we become close to strangers?)

请你说 还有什么比沉默更难堪
(Is there anything more over whelming that this silence?)

难道互相隐藏
(Hiding and lying)

就能避免了失望
(Do not conceal but conceive disappointment.)

表白有什么可怕
(Just confess your thoughts)

请你不要拐弯
(Don’t keep them to yourself.)

请你说 请你说出心里难以承受的伤
(Can you tell me what hurts you most?)

不能说 除非我们早已忘记了爱的力量
(Unless you had already lost faith in me.)

聊天只能假装
(All these superficial conversations)

表情需要勉强
(and forced expressions on our faces.)

何必把这种遗撼
(Is there a need to take all these anguishes with us)

带到未来的天堂
(To the Heaven waiting for us in the future?)

There is only one way left to help her remember me.

I will go and visit her more often.

Lame Shit

3-5 today. Ah Lang conceded 5 goals in a game? A through pass went behind me, striker dribbled past me like nothing, corner 2 goals, did not go up and harass the ball carrier. What the hell... There must be something wrong with me these days. When was the last game I managed to keep a clean sheet? I'm sorry guys... It must had been dammed demoralising up front to see us let in goals after working so hard to put them back. Were the rain and flu responsible for the shit that I played today?

Fuck the rain.

Fuck the flu.

They are just lame excuses.

I will not concede anymore goals from the next game onwards.

The wolf that bites will be back.

Dreams. Part 1

One of my dreams, is to run a full marathon. Paid the registration fee up front just now.

Now only 3 months, 42 km, and my reservations stand between me and the finishing line.

Part 1 of me taking an active stance towards fulfilling a life of no regrets.

Ah Lang will try his best to stand with the Gods.

GREAT Teacher Onizulang

I couldn’t help but watch in anguish how defunct a state my blog had become. It used to prosper during my NS days, when I had the luxury of time. Sadly speaking, time had deserted me a long time ago.

It had been a while since I had a free weekday all to myself! Fortunately today was free because this week is orientation for NIE students, and nothing was planned for today. A welcomed break indeed.

So what have I been doing for the past month? The ministry had involved me in a programme called the “Enhanced Schools Experience” (ESE) which bore the purpose of exposing student teachers to the actual working climate in schools. Its secondary and less glorious objective was to attrition the idealistics from the pragmatics.

(i.e. let those who think they couldn’t cope with such a job quit before their liquidated damages snowballed.)

Of course there wasn’t really such a choice for Ah Lang. He had been happily feeding himself on Government coffers ever since he was a university student. But he had no intention of quitting either, (and the reasons were elaborated earlier in another entry.)

So one month ago, I had found myself unceremoniously dumped in a school when less than two months ago, I was still booking in and out a military camp in Bedok. The rapid change in lifestyle really did catch me on my heels. From a low ranking soldier contented to taking orders and skive to a person responsible for other peoples’ grades and lives, the sudden surge in responsibilities forced a knee jerk adjustment in my lifestyle.

And compromising my blog was one of the inevitables.

Fortunately I was posted to a reputable school near my house. Gan Eng Seng School (GESS) was comparably better to any other neighbourhood school in Singapore in terms of discipline and student ability.

Being a non-fussy man, I was fine with any school given to me, but if they wanted to post me to a good neighbourhood school,

I shall accept the posting with grateful tears.

In case you had been tricked into thinking that GESS is a school full of angels, you better think twice. Every school in Singapore has its fair share of students with differing standards of discipline and academic ability. (I shall refrain from saying “good and bad” students because all my students are not rubbish.) There will be late comers, rowdy classes, disrespectful students, lawbreakers, and kids who loved to make impolite references to your parents.

No I am not being theatrical here. The above mentioned were all matter-of-facts in the school scene now. I had a couple of experience at handling tough kids who shot me a “who the hell are you?” response the moment I entered the classroom. It is a challenge to guide these kids, and I really respect the good teachers who could find a way with them. No doubt I am a newbie now, but I will find a way with them in future and join the ranks of the divine greats in the education service.

Lest anyone despaired over the future of our nation, there were good kids too. In a classic example of how Ah Lang rode his luck to absolute success, he was assigned to three sec 3 express classes. Classroom management was not much of a problem for them, as compared to the NA and NT students. The challenge of the job was to keep my students interested for learning. Fortunately again, this fell into the realm of Ah Lang’s fortes.

I am just so dammed good at disturbing young people J

Example 1:

Two students were talking at the back of the class. It just so happened that they were of different gender. Reprimand them in public for not paying attention in class? No way man. Just observe silently without them noticing you. Like how I spied on the wingers and strikers on the pitch as a sweeper. While they were busying focusing their attention on the stoppers and full backs, I had already covered their possible paths in mind. The moment they beat my defenders,

I will be there.

Boy and girl like to talk in class? No problem. Look at how the girl smiled so happily while listening to the sweet nothings of the boy. So blissed in happiness that it would be a sin to disrupt them. The only thing I could do was to play the role of a catalyst. When I needed students to present solutions on the board, I knew which pair of students I needed to call.

"Would Mr X and Miss Y come up and present the solution of this problem together?" (Note: The Sultan and his princess were not named to spare their blushes.)

Example 2:

A student was a bit listless in class. Apparently she had either understood whatever I was teaching or simply couldn’t be bothered. Let's give her the benefit of the doubt since she is a bright girl. However, I could not believe the boy playing basketball outside the classroom was more handsome than me, so why should she look out of the window? I realised I needed to get her attention back whatever the costs. Again, Ah Lang had to look for her “moment of vulnerability” to strike. I played with my time throughout the lesson, and finally I caught her tail.

“Pin Li, why do you like to stick out your tongue in class? Are you very hot?”

Knowing the names of all my students is a very powerful weapon against noise and sleep in class. (33+42+42=117 names only).

Just as the innocent young things thought it was safe to sleep in my class, suddenly

“(Student X), can you tell me what is the coordinate definition of cos A?”

A perfect trap. The answer was staring at him loudly on the board. If he could not answer my question, even a fool could figure out that he was not listening to what I was saying. On hardworking students, the shame and attention generated was enough to keep them awake for this lesson and beyond.

Knowing names could only mean more fun. The stunned face of a kid when I greeted her as she was walking past me was a once in a lifetime expression.

“Good morning, Angeline.”

She turned back in a daze.

“Mr Khoo how come you know my name???”

Knowing names was the bare minimum gesture for any teacher aspiring to be GREAT to show the kids that he or she cared. Once they know you cared, classroom problems became so much more manageable. (At least less people talk and sleep out of respect or fear.)

And then there was this girl in one of my classes who could not keep herself from bursting into a smile or laughter whenever I spoke to her or looked at her for more than a second. So cute!

Maybe I should match make her to my brother (who also happens to be in the same school and same level as her). Then there would be more peace and laughter from KSH whom forever wore a bastard face at home. It should be an easy job since she knows KSH. In fact, she was the one who asked me whether KSH is my brother.

I shall respect Miss Poon’s privacy by not naming her.

And I had unwittingly started a craze in school. In one of my attempts to keep my students awake, I was forced into showing one of my football tricks. Low class tricks that Tweety and Weixiang would dismiss them without any respect. But it was good enough to trick young people.

Just drop a pencil case onto the lace, and do a camel.

News spread fast. Very soon every class I walked in DEMANDED that I perform the same trick for them. I could catch some of my boys attempting it while I walked past their classes after school. I had even heard that there were boys trying it the secrecy of their scout den.

One trick had elevated Mr Khoo to celebrity status in school.

It was really fun in school especially for the two weeks I spent teaching them. But there had to be an end for everything. One month was indeed a very short time.

Many of them could not believe it that I was leaving so soon after I had just started. I couldn’t prevent the disappointed faces from surfacing. But definitely I don’t deserve the presents that they had given me. I haven’t really done much for them really.

I would still need to thank 3E, 3H, and 3I for their cooperation for not giving me serious classroom management troubles. I also appreciated the card from 3I, gifts from Poh Gek, Stephanie and Liting, Rena, Pin Li, Leonard, JJ, and many more.

One month ago I couldn’t wait to leave. Now I couldn’t bear to leave.

Life has to go on, and the doors of NIE are waiting. As I stepped towards it, I knew I am stepping closer to my destiny. That is, to become

GREAT Teacher Onizulang.

Comments from an Outsider

Today I was taken aback by the comments of the groundsman at my evening game. (i.e. the uncle in charge of opening the gates
and setting up the corner flags.)

"You guys did not lose your temper despite getting hacked at the legs
throughout the game. Played like how real men should. Really very good!"

Being a seasoned spectator of weekend games, his words really struck me deeply.

We were very flattered indeed, although personally for me I was used to all these hackings and hard challenges from opposing strikers and wingers. It was all part of the game. I just did not expect to be praised for the way I had beening playing (for so many years).

There was this #16 from the other team. Very rash. Kept making silly challenges. I could have blown my top, but for what? We were already leading. It would be silly to get a card or even sent off. Instead, I just told my defenders that

"Number 16 is not playing for the ball. Be careful of him. Watch out for your legs."

While in my mind I told myself that he would deserve a hard tackle from me if the opportunity presented itself. He took an extra touch while controlling a high ball from his defender. I saw that and went straight in with a shoulder barge (plus a hidden elbow). Although it was not enough to send him to the ground, it was enough to rob the ball from him considering
he was of a stronger physique than me.

Don't lose your temper, but yet don't lose your courage. When someone charges at you, you can either soften up and run away, lose your temper and slog it out, or keep your cool and strike them when they were vulnerable.

The fox in me chose the last of them. Never knew Ah Lang was such a vicious and cunning guy right? Try telling me to relax when #16 kept on whacking my friends' legs like they were rubber instead of bones.

They did put us under considerable pressure for their hard approach to the game. But we simply did not give up and lose our cool when it mattered most.

Sounds like handy advice to all those aspiring real men out there.

Well, the score line did not lie. We won the game 7-1.

A Smile After a Defeat

My team had lost an important match just now by 0-1. The goal we had conceded was rather ridiculous too. A harmless look chip which dropped into our far post. It left us dumbfounded right from the 5th minute of the game.

Instead of rallying ourselves for a comeback, we just got pushed harder by the opponents. They were coming at us with full force. Their defenders kept pumping the long balls towards each of our defenders. I was guilty of missing one of them. I misjudged one of the goal kicks and did not make a clean connection with my head despite being under little pressure. The winger gleefully latched onto my mistake and sped past me.

No one gets the ball and speed past Ah Lang.

When that happens, the priority would no longer be the ball, but the man. I sprinted back and wrestled him down to the ground with my arms. A yellow card was still better than conceding a goal.

Worst was to come. Our sweeper was injured towards the end of the first half. Fortunately, the ref blew for the interval. Our captain was fustrated with our approach again. We gave them too much respect. Yes they are a decent team, but we needed to play our own game as well. Containing them and being passive would never help.

"Ah Lang, 2nd half the centre is yours. I'm injured."

I am not new to the sweeper position. It was a position which I could play. You only need 2 things to play as a sweeper.

Confidence and determination.

Confidence as in going in for the ball once you had made up your mind. No hesitation. No doubts. If unfortunately a mistake is made, just shrug it off and fight on. That is were determination comes in. Most of time when I played well I had these 2 things in mind all the time. I knew I had to draw them out today.

On some other days when I am more cautious, I would still track and follow the player as a SWEEPER even if the opponent had beaten my defender. For fuck man, really. For fuck? Today I did the right thing.

Just slide the bugger lah!

Miss the ball never mind. Once he had beaten my defender it would be the cue to go in. The only chance to get the ball (or man) before he accelerates and pushes the ball past me. This is my commitment to all my defenders. I will cover all of you. Just go in for the tackles. Don't worry about your backs. Nobody will beat me.

Despite the game ended at 0-1, we had played an awesome 2nd half. Nothing went through my defence. The attackers even had a goal disallowed. We had lost the game, but we had not lost our pride. Football is just like life. Good things only happen when we are able to cast away the fear of making mistakes and surge forward inexorably.

Don't be afraid of making mistakes. They will still come no matter how cautious we are. Just bear them in mind and face the next one bravely. They will never get us down unless we let them.

I would never have slided if I was afraid of not getting the ball. Was standing still and inviting them to beat you better or sliding in with the chance of getting the ball? Even if the slide did not get the ball, I could always pick myself up and hunt down the opponent and nudge him off it.

The scars and scratches found on my legs do not lie. I couldn't even walk straight. The knock on my left knee literally left me limping for life. But for the first time in a long time,

I was able to smile even after a defeat.

Ri Sou no Sekai

I had been guilty for not posting new entries for a long time. I would love to return to my more prolific days while I was in the army, but circumstances simply did not allow. Weekends then were carefree and I could do whatever I wished, be it resting or having fun. Weekends after I had started work became backup days for unfinished work.

Unfortunately, time seemed to be slipping out of my hands ever since I got more entrenched in the schedule that the National Institute of Education (NIE) had in stored for me.

It would be enlightening to mention what had I been doing for the past few weeks. I was officially matriculated into NIE on Monday (190606). Tuesday (200606) was a free day because it was the registration date for trainees with surnames from L to Z. Had to return for a short briefing from 1030 to 1200 on Wednesday (210606). Then there was a crash course for us on Thursday (220606) and Friday (230606 )to prepare us for our month long school postings starting on the following week. This crash course was officially known as the Teacher Preparatory Programme (TPP).

TPP was very helpful for freshly ORD-ed SAF personnels like me. For blur people still accustomed to taking orders from others in the army, this hectic 2 day course aimed at developing basic skills to control a bunch of kids was a godsend! Imagine going into a class of 40 students without knowing what to do... Being pushed around by kids would definitely be worse than being pushed around by a Black Sadistic Man (BSM). Nonetheless I would have the full impact of my civilian status thrust upon me regardless of whether I had completely shaken off my military consciousness. When a company size (BRC context) of kids greet in unison to the Great One in their class like the following,

"Goooooood Morning MR Khoo."

It would be so difficult to get accustomed to the new way people address me since barely less than a month ago,

I was still called "Corporal Khoo".

I would no longer be the soldier who had a rank permanently prefixed to his name. More examples?

"I, CPL Khoo Shun Chih, NRIC Number 81@()*@#_)*@$&@~?!?@$)$*%#!!!)(C, declare that, I do not possess any live rounds, empty cartridges, or any other forms of pyrotechnics, IN MY POSSESSION SIR!"

I would no longer be the bangalah who would sweep the leaves at the ring of fire in the mornings.

And I would definitely no longer be the man who would hold a rifle and protect the sacred gates of our camp.

Speaking of the guard room, it reminded me of Ah Wan (the RP) on my ORD day. Although I do not know him well enough to be able to rattle off the brand of his underwear without thinking, we became more than just acquaintances from the few encounters we had while I was on duty.

When I first saw him at the guard room that day, he was smoking alone at the flight of staircase outside the office. I went over and sat beside him for one last good chat before we parted for good. When he finished his last puff, he put his arm firmly on my shoulder and shoved me to the gate. The disappointment in his eyes as he opened the gate for me for the last time was so excruciating to my memory.

"Good luck, and don't look back on your way out."

It seemed strange at first, since that was only said to inmates who had completed their sentences as a reminder to them not to return to the prison. More importantly, it was a well wish to look forward and begin a new life. The army did feel like a prison to many of us in some sense.

I do not even know Ah Wan's full mandarin name (and vice versa), and yet both of us clicked like long friends. This is the magic of the army. Irregardless of language, race, religion, and education level, 2 total strangers who do not have a big difference in rank could still hit it off like old pals all in the name of "living the same shit life". A solidarity shared only among SAF personnels. Chances are it would not even be half as easy to make friends like that out there in the civilian world.

That is why army friends are all the more valuable.

I was fortunate to have a long chat with Weiting while he was standing in as COS on the same day. He spoke of his tired attempts at SOC, and only he and Ming Shun was left running for it. I knew Ronald wasn't a skiver as to the perceptions of many people. Despite his penchant for tears, he always took things in his stride like the steadfast man he had always been. No cheating, always does his best to whatever his capacity allowed. Although he never admitted it, he always adopted the "take it like a man and don't run away approach" towards many unpleasant things in his life.

You go, man!

And I was pleasantly surprised when Siwei and Egg messaged me over MSN the other day. They were asking me how was life in NIE, and did I befriend any pretty student teachers along the way. Same old shit from them, but I could not help but NOT to disappoint.

YES I did get to know some pretty student teachers!

That was a heartwarming MSN session despite being short. Somehow I missed the friends back in Bedok camp.

I had even went back today to pick some tickets for the NDP rehearsal this evening (Thanks to OC who offered them over MSN early in the morning). Unfortunately I was not able to attend it because I recalled the need to buy a new pair of soccer boots for tomorrow's game only at the eleventh hour. (My previous pair was rather badly damaged.) Anyway I haven't finished marking 3E's chem worksheets so that further compelled me to stay at home.

While in the office today I was pleasantly surprised to see Alfred as the COS. He was my other bunk mate apart from Ronald. It had been a long time since I last spoke to him and the chat with him today really brought back smiles and tears.

Come to think of it, I missed his late night strumming of the guitar strings coupled with the emotional enactment of James Blunt's "You're Beautiful". Alfred is really a talented musician.

My Saturday had not been as fruitful as I had wanted it to be. Would love to be at the stadium but had work to do. Would love to meet up with more friends but I was careless and did not approach them earlier in the week.

I should not grumble at the consequences caused by my lack of actions.

Heh, at least I am finally back to my blog! I was so occupied last saturday with preparing lesson notes that I didn't even have time for anything else. I should be thankful that I still have some time left for my blog today :)

Have to sleep early. Got an important game tomorrow morning against a good team. I will not make the same stupid mistake that I did the other time.

As I make the abrupt but inevitable transition from a slow paced, stress free world of the army to a hectic one in the education sector, I couldn't help but to miss the comforts of the former. Humans are cheapskate. We miss things only when they are no longer around. Maybe I would miss my current life one day.

That should not be the way.

We should appreciate the world that we belong to in whichever part of our lives right then, and not after. Because at that stage of our lives, they are our Ri Sou no Sekai.

The Ideal World.