Owned

Today got whacked by a good team 9-2. Instead of feeling disgusted with myself, somehow I felt quite happy to lose by such a margin.

The opponents demonstrated what ought to be done should a team be a genuine weekend league team.

1) Commitment. (All their players were ready and running by kickoff. i.e. 9 am)
2) Spirit. (They did their warm up together, with a bit of fun.)
3) Discipline. (They did what their manager/captain told them to do.)
4) Physique, fitness, technique, teamwork.

They also had one winger whom I known since my uni days. He was the nemesis of my team. Today he ran circles round me again. When I was younger I would definitely be angered by that and probably kick his foot.

But today I grew to respect him. At this age when my body are showing signs of degradation (because I didn't take care of them well), he was still as good as ever, if not better. He really served as a motivation for me. Somehow there is still hope at my age to play better.

What is the point of playing against weak opponents week in week out, beating them flat and boost our inflated egos?

Today I got brought down to earth again, by such an overwhelming defeat. At times we must reflect and think of the things that we are lacking. Lack pace, lack strength, lack aerial ability.

I was happy, because I know I have a lot of to work on.

If we are happy with ourselves, then we will stagnant. Was quite unhappy with work recently. Spoke to a few people about it. One friend of mine really lifted my spirits.

"At least what you are doing needs brains to do. They still are helping students in some way or another. Those that I am doing do not need brains! Anyone can do them. Isn't that more frustrating?"

and she continued her "consoling"...

"Maybe the reason why you are given so much responsibilities is because you are not ambitious. Supposing if I am your boss and I know you are the ambitious type, I won't considering giving you much work to do because I know you will only do them to prove yourself, and not genuinely helping the students."

Wth... So does that mean I must act ambitious so as to reduce my workload?

Really appreciated talking to her. She understood most of the things that I said, because we are in the same profession.

And I talked to more people. One friend of mine is an auditor. She works 6 days a week, stays in the office for 18 hours, and sleeps only 3+ hours a day.

And I complained about leaving home at 8.

Another friend just returned to office to fetch her laptop home to do work, and mine you, now is already 3:19 in the afternoon on a Sunday.

I think I should just shut up and do my work properly.

It's quite irrational to force things in life, for example to force my team to beat the team which whacked us 9-2 today.

But for things which are within our control, we must try our best. Because if we don't want to end up in the following situation,

然而到後來我什麼都沒有

then we must

进化成更好的人

分享快乐 享受生活

我只能低著頭發呆
讓回憶滲透腦袋
漸漸變空白

我把它當作個意外
但內心還想不開
以爲我明白
其實你都還在

我想起了遇見你的時候
想起你眼神中的溫柔
我想起了我們第一次牽手

我閉上眼

想起當時你懷裡的顫抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我

然而到後來我什麼都沒有

當你離開的時候

我可以裝作已釋懷
他對我也算關懷
他看不出來
我知道這樣不應該
在他身上找依賴
算不算是種出賣
因爲你一直在

我想起了遇見你的時候
想起你眼神中的溫柔
我想起了我們第一次牽手
我閉上眼想起當時你懷裡的顫抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我
然而到後來我什麼都沒有
當你離開的時候

我想起你親吻我的時候
想起你眼神中的沉默
我想起了我們平靜的分手

我閉上眼

想起當時你美麗的承諾
把你整個心都交給我
然而到後來我什麼都沒有

越是沒有你越是心痛

我想起了遇見你的時候
想起你眼神中的溫柔
我想起了我們第一次牽手
我閉上眼
想起當時你懷裡的顫抖
似乎那麽害怕失去我

然而到後來我什麼都沒有

當你離開的時候

Tried too hard?

Too much pressure?

Wishful thinking?

Assume too much?

No patience?

In a rush?

No confidence?

Said too much?

No experience?

Too pessimistic?

No time?

One way traffic?

Or worst case scenario...

Had never been significant?

I think too much already. Time to sleep.

All that I needed in a quiet room at night with a mug of nice luke warm coffee.

It has been a while since Eason Chan's "Shall We Talk" that I had gone bonkers over a song.

I could sense the experiences and maturity of the lyricist, who also happened to be the singer of the song. There is flavour and pedigree in the lyrics. They not only reflect my past and present experiences, and also the people I had met in who either stabilised or destabilised (my life).

The message behind the lyrics tally with the governing life principle of mine now. i.e. I want to be a good man, I want to be a better man.

Was sheer enjoyment listening to the song. Guess I will be listening to it consistently over the next few years just like "Shall We Talk".

我的青春也不是没伤痕
是明白爱是信仰的延伸
什么特征人缘还是眼神
也不会预知爱不爱的可能

保持单身忍不住又沉沦
兜着圈子来去有时苦等
人的一生感情是旋转门
转到了最后真心的就不分

有过竞争
有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真
学会忠诚
适者才能生存

懂得永恒
得要我们
进化成更好的人

我的青春有时还蛮单纯
相信幸福取决于爱得深
读进化论我赞成达尔文
没实力的就有淘汰的可能
我的替身已换过多少轮
记忆在旧情人心中变冷
我的一生有几道旋转门
转到了最后只剩你我没分

有过竞争
有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真
学会忠诚
适者才能生存

懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人

有过竞争
有过牺牲
被爱筛选过程
学会认真
学会忠诚
适者才能生存
懂得永恒得要我们
进化成更好的人

懂得永恒得要我们

进化成更好的人

进化成更好的人

Last Day at RJ

Today I was at the RI/RJC campus again. Met up with an old friend of mine. He was my batch mate from RI, although I didn't know him very well then. He was from my neighbour class. I got to know him better in the first few years of my university because we disrupted from army at the same time.

I could safely say during the period of time after my disruption to the end of my first year in uni, he was my best friend.

Unfortunately as the years went by, I gradually took less and less modules in FASS and gradually lost contact with him. Fortunately I still have his phone number with me.

And I really appreciated him making an effort to meet up for a drink at his canteen. At 11+ he msg that he was free from now till 1230. I told him I can't, and he offered to come down at 1330. He was at his usual self. Cold and uncaring exteriorly, but actually he's quite a nice person inside.

Then we started talking and lamenting. Lamented about the falling standards of RJ. About how the school wasn't as formidable as during our time. Lamented about the lack of time, and how his days ended at 9 am in the night. He is also the soccer teacher in charge of RJ, I'm his counterpart at NJ. But I do less work than him bah. He actually coaches his students. I am only the team medic. Looks like certain things are universal.

Young teachers do not have time. Young teachers do not have life. Young teachers work very hard.

But his personality is more rugged I guess, despite his small frame. He took things in his stride and moved on.

"Just do sui sui while the bond lasts!"

haha. That was very true. Do everything well and then leave with our heads held high. Complain also no use.

Then we started to reminisice about the past. Which teachers are still around, which stalls are still around, etc.

And then we started talking about job prospects.

He was saying that RJ has an option called "direct staff". Which means that teachers do not have to take on leadership roles and have no cca commitments. Direct staff just concentrate on teaching. Sounds very attractive. Taking a pay cut to have a life.

But I'm not so naive to think that grasses are greener over the other side. RJ and RI are going to merge sooner or later, and when that happens the new RIJ will be the same as NJ going 6 years. There will be no difference being there or here. Staying at NJ might be better because I have already established myself and my teaching resources. (No doubt working with my ex-teachers at RJ as colleagues will be a huge draw for me).

Then at the course, I saw some of the older teachers who were very senior. Would I still be able to engage or teach effectively/passionately at that age? Would I still be as stubborn as I am now trying to be a teacher who is only concerned with teaching properly instead of manage all the admin work? I am not sure though, but in anycase, I do not want to shortchange my students in case any of the above were to come true.

I am not tempted or seduced to move. I am not even thinking of moving to anywhere other than NJ. But I do know that I will leave the service after 3 good years.

So might as well live the last 3 years of my teaching life to the fullest before rethinking my life options.

Back to RJC

Today I was lingering around RJC. Quite fortuitously saw my ex-chem tutor eating at the canteen. Was so happy that she recognised me, remembered my name, and my class.

The first thing she asked me after finding out I'm a teacher was...

"Did you check your open posting? We need maths teachers!"

haha. Looks like she had a good impression of me after all. Was so flattered by that. I'm quite happy at NJ now. Don't feel like moving, unless I want a change of environment.

"Shun Chih do you know, Mr I mean, Dr Ho is coming back to RJ in April! Come back and join him."

Mr Ho was my math tutor cum civics tutor when I was still a student. Now he is already a Dr. heh. Would love to work with him as a colleague. Maybe that's the allure of RJ. There is a human touch here.

RJ certainly felt a lot warmer than RI.

Back to RI

Today I returned to RI for the first time since graduating at 1997. Was there for a course. Physically a lot of things had changed. The campus and facilities got a lot larger and better.

I saw a couple of teachers who taught me before. I don't think they recognised me anymore. Anyway he didn't even know my name when he was teaching me.

Somehow I always felt RI as an intimidating place. Even as a student there. Don't know why. But I never felt at home in that school. I was all the more thankful that I am now not teaching there. I have nothing against RI boys. In fact, I was very impressed by the manners that they have. One boy even took the trouble to show me where I should dispose my plate after lunch. Another boy even bowed to me in front my car after I gave way to them at the school gate.

Still, that didn't help in the intimidation.

I took a short stroll into the RJ campus nearby. I had never been in the new RJ campus before. I spent my JC days at mount Sinai. The new RJ campus is indeed new and large. I got lost trying to get to the staffroom to look for my friends working there. Still, everything felt alien.

Maybe because RI/RJ is an elitist institution in nature. For all 6 years that I spent there, I couldn't help but feel that way.

It certainly felt weird returning to my alma mater. There is a lot of mixed feelings. On one hand RI/RJ are close to heart because they are no doubt places which I spent 6 years of my life, yet on the other hand, I don't really know anyone or anything about the schools now. Yes I may feel very demoralised and jaded by the workload given to me at my current school,

but I still feel at home at National Junior College.

Eat Snake

I think I gave myself too much pressure already. Pressure to do well.

Play soccer too stressed. Cannot concede. Cannot express myself. Yes even if I managed to keep a clean sheet forever I will not be happy either. Satisfaction yes, but enjoyment no. Because it is just too stressful to concentrate every game.

Legs are aching. Don't have much time left in my legs. Must enjoy every game. Concede a few goals is ok. Just enjoy the game, play to my true standard and nothing else matters. Besides,

taking that 30 metre blaster was so gratifying.

Too stressed over the workload at school too. Need to do this, need to do that. Sigh. If all in my mind is just trying to cover whatever work that is to be done in the future, when will this cycle ever stop? Hols? When I retire? Or when I die?

I think I should just concentrate on thinking of how to eat snake. At least when I had enjoyed myself to the extent, the guilt of not doing work will provide enough momentum to sustain me through the task. And eating snake is less taxing on the mind.

Eating snake does not mean I am no longer concerned about her. Just that I don't see the need to contact her so often that I felt is becoming harassment. No space to breathe. Not fresh topics to talk about. No element of surprise. Nothing refreshing. Things become stale when there is too much contact maybe? At least at this stage when we are only friends, just let things take its course. Sometimes trying too hard only adds to the pressure, and things backfire.

I had learnt for myself the lessons of trying too hard. I saw a young pe teacher trying very hard to conduct an enjoyable training session for the girls team. At the end the students appreciated his efforts but still kept a polite distance due to his over-eagerness.

I wasn't very friendly towards my hockey team throughout last sem. But I just did whatever that has to be done at the right time for them. And they appreciated them too. Even though I am not their T/IC now, at least the exco will still say hello to me whenever they see me around, cos they are the ones whom I had interacted most with, and knows what I had done.

So I should just do the appropriate things at the right time and let things develop naturally? :)

And what should I do in the meantime to occupy my thoughts when I don't contact her so often?

To think of ways to east snake of course, as a form to constantly rejuvenate the brain.

And this entry will never be possible if I am not eating snake now.

Goal

Today my team won a penalty.

I walked up without invitation, took (more like snatched) the ball from the strikers.

Missing two penalties in a game sometime in 2006 did do me some good. I never felt pressure again from taking penalties.

I placed the ball on the spot, walked back a few measured steps, and smashed it without much aiming.

But the shot didn't need much aiming. It was too powerful for the keeper to handle. The ball ricocheted off his gloves and went it.

This kind of penalty was the most satisfying, because even if the keeper managed to guess the right way, he will have no hope at saving it. No hope. Totally fulfilling the old school thought of taking penalties. The 100% sure way to score from a penalty.

"Just lap the ball hard. Sure go in one."

What a way to start a new year.

Post Match Analysis 21/10/07 - Just do the simple things

Finally had a satisfying game today. 4-1. Totally snuffed out the opponents. The match wasn't easy. Had to weather out the early pressure. But once the opponents lost hope, the game became much easier.

Last week's game was too traumatising for most of us.

Finally, the way 77 played was so reminiscent of the Ah Lang of old. Simple and no nonsense. No need to pretend to be sophisticated when I am not. No need to play possession football when my skills are not there yet.

Just do the simple things.

1) ffb style.
First 15 mins of the game or so, all defenders safety first. Got ball just clear. Don't even think of playing the ball. Don't give the attackers any incentive or motivation to run at the defence. Start passing only when their attackers are not aggressive.

2) talk.
Sweeper must talk, whether like it or not. It will help the DMs and defenders and make them more confident if they are reminded what to do throughout the game. If not during tua zong situation then I finally open my mouth the defenders will gabra.

Also remind the DMs whether they can turn or not.

3) No half fuck.
If don't want to challenge, hold ground all the way. If want to go in, either the ball or the man. Think of Moga. The snapping tackle.

4) Hot.
We can talk about how best to play soccer all our lives. But if there is no fire, there is no football.

01:21 in the morning

I wonder how much of my life had I lost to not recording them in this blog. A lot of things had passed since I last blogged satisfactorily.

Just set a 8 mark trigo identity question for the end of module test for a trigo module. I think that question will murder the whole cohort, including some of the foreign scholars. ^^

Now I know the power of capsizing a boat with a point of the finger.

What had happened to the affable, amiable, friendly, and nice Mr Khoo in his ESE and practicum days? What caused Mr Khoo to transform into the monster that he is now?

Fierce, unfriendly, sadistic (in a sense that the exam questions he set are murderous), and extremely loves to scold students?

Isn't that simple? A nice man may not necessarily be a good man. A good teacher may not necessarily be a nice teacher.

Between nice and good, I chose the latter.

This, I learnt from another teacher. Four words from her made me realise what teaching is all about.

"I am pro-student."

牛车水人家

今天不经意的从收音机听到一首非常怀念的歌，一首总能勾起我成长岁月美丽回忆的歌。

听着听着，一丝丝脆片般般的回忆渐渐地涌上心头。

年幼时的我住在牛车水一带。由于父母双职，所以外婆便成为了我的兼顾人。外婆的朋友大多都住在牛车水，所以牛车岁便成了我追随外婆脚步的地方。她时常到牛车水做凛凛种种的生活琐碎事。吃饭，打麻将，喝凉茶，买疼条，逛街，荡秋千。。。那时候的我只觉得牛车水是一个很杂吵，充满着威胁的地方。为何威胁？

你爱到一个天天都有七老八十的阿公阿婆围着你来调戏的地方吗？

然而，外婆过世已有十六年了。现在的我虽然还是住在牛车水附近，但到那里的次数却一点也不及年幼时的频率. 以前可是几乎每天都到那里。现在可能几年才去一次。

听着听着，埋在下意识里的片断一个个地浮现在眼前。

那时的人潮与繁华，坐三轮车回家的经验，熟食中心的食物，巷口的凉茶店，祖屋里的“赌档”，外婆似乎几十年前的打扮。。。

真想回到那时！

现在的我是否也在想着，讨厌过着现在的生活？白天忙忙碌碌分秒必争。晚上夜深人静时，脆弱的心灵被寂寞侵蚀。。。以前无忧无虑的生活，天天向外婆撒娇的日子可真令人向往！

想归想，但人总要活在现实。现在的牛车水也已面目全非，和当年的完全判若两人。但还好还有这首歌给与心灵上的寄托。

那这首歌到底是什么？

《情谊藏心底》-巫启贤

夜已深，我仿佛听到风雨声
一阵阵，洒落在路中寂寞人
在风里，在雨里，走过的路程
已经随着岁月的声音消失在黄昏

情不归，一个人空巷独徘徊
找不回，往日的情谊藏心底
有你的，有我的，成长的痕迹
这里埋藏过去的感情，教人心碎

生命就像流水，像轻烟慢慢延续
我的记忆却渐渐蒙上尘埃
回来的路上，不断回头望
在那依然成长的地方，以往成长的地方
从今以后，风雨有谁相伴？

从今以后，风雨有我相伴

Ah Bee

This entry is about my brother, and this entry is meant for him.

His school sent him a letter today. It was more like a threat to be honest.

"We regret to inform you that your son is performing under expectations. He may be retained or even be transferred to the Normal Technical stream if he continues to perform badly at the year end exams." Signed by the VP of the school.

What would be anyone's first impression of him? A poor student? Poor attitude towards studies? No interest? Lazy? Stupid? Couldn't be bothered? Truancy?

I can tell you, none of the above is correct. My brother is a good boy. But he had been very much maligned, and very deprived of opportunities.

Of course as his family members we made mistakes in the choice of education so far.

Mistake 1: Choice of Primay School
We should have sent him to a better primary school. I wonder why my mum sent him to the NEAREST primary school from our house instead of much better one a few bus-stops down the road. If they could afford to send me and my sister to good primary schools so much further away from our house years ago, why the double standard for my brother?

Mistake 2: Choice of academic stream in Sec School
This one was my sole responsibility. I thought that he would benefit more by doing N(A) stream in a good neighbourhood school somewhere near our place. This would be like righting the wrongs of his primary school, because

a) Time could be saved on travelling. The extra time could be used for revision.
b) His foundations were weak. The extra year would help him a lot.
c) Why do express stream in a lousy school faraway from our house?

The initial results were rewarding. He was one of the top few students in his stream for sec 1. Unfortunately things had nosedived during his upper sec. The school inexplicably grouped students in his stream according to subject combination instead of by calibre. Thus he ended up with some of the most disruptive company in his class. He still tried his best though, but while he persevered, many of his teachers gave up. How did I know about this? I was teaching in his school before. His class was notorious. After a while, he resigned to his fate.

Then came his ECA. Inexplicably he joined a very demanding eca that took up a lot of his time. Sometimes he even came home at night.

I just got this very bad feeling that his grades will suffer. The letter we got today just confirmed it.

It wasn't fair to him really. History had shown that if he was placed in the right environment, he had the ability to do well. His sec 1 grades don't lie. Yet to put the blame of his slip solely on his class, or soley on his eca is not fair too.

The way my parents talk to him is not encouraging either. They always talk to him in a manner that he is not good enough, or he cannot do things right. They never gave him the encouragement he needed, even if it meant backing down a bit at times. Their old fashioned way of lecturing kids will not work these days. Handling kids in the 90s is different from handling kids in the 80s.

Look, given his current situation what he needs is alot more encouragement than criticism.

It is not hard to tell that he has already resigned to fate and conformed to his belief that he is just another normal stream boy not good in his studies.

Which is rubbish of course.

He can do it. Just that he fell prey to one of the fallacies of our education system - That it favours early performers than late bloomers.

All he needs is just that courage to stand up against the deprivations thrown at him since he was a boy, and give himself a try deserving of his conscience.

Why allow your selfish classmates to ruin your future for you? Yes I agree that you can't stop them from disrupting the lessons. Yes I agree that most of the precious curriculum time in class was wasted. Yes I agree that most of the teachers do not really like teaching your class.

It is a tough environment to study in compared to your sec 1 and 2 days, but if you are willing to be brave and stand up to them, you can do it, because I know you can. No one can be more qualified than me in saying those words.

Because I know you best, being your brother who grew up with you.

I also admit that I was not around in the important days of his education. I had been away from home for 6 years due to NS and uni. (Since he was primary 4 to sec 3). I had never been much of a help anyway. I always turn him away while playing my computer games. As time goes by he also stopped approaching me for help.

But,

Can you take it lying down that your selfish classmates had ruined your future for you? Can you take it lying down that you denied yourself a better future by sticking to your beliefs that you are not good enough?

Can you take it lying down or not?

I was useless, but at least I am back for the most important year. Time may not be enough, since there is only a couple of months left before the N levels start.

But I know you just need that courage to try and turn things around in such unfavourable conditions. I am not telling you to get straight As, but I know you have what it takes to get what you want.

Because you have the ability and you can do it.

All you need is just the courage to try for a better future.

The Promised Land

Today I was at my weekly madness again - Run from my house to ECP Mac. I even had to firmly turn down a dinner invitation by Bollocks and Chioh to persist with my madness, much to their disappointment.

Retribution did strike me later.

I arrived at my destination in good time. I.e. It took me just around an hour to get there. Once there I got down to my usual business.

1. Buy a can of H2O from the 7 eleven.
2. Sit on one of the saloms by the beach and enjoy the well-deserved can of H2O.
3. Listen to the sound of the waves.
4. Sort out/Forget all my troubles.
5. Go to macdonald and buy chicken foldover and green tea.
6. Go home.

Usually the cabs would be waiting for me by the road. But today... today... there was a rumble for cabs. There were couples everywhere waiting for cabs. Along the same stretch of road, some pairs were ahead of me, some after me, there was even a pair hugging each other beside me! lol. Being in pairs help. Can hug to kill time while waiting for cab.

Is today Valentine's Day at ECP?

Determined not to be outdone by the hordes of couples straying further upstream to intercept my cab, I overtook them and stood in a supposedly good position.

15 mins had passed. No vacant cab came.

I wandered back to mac, and went further downstream. Another 15 mins had passed. Again no vacant cab came.

Today business was really good at ECP. I thought the crowd would usually be present only on friday and weekend nights. Maybe there could be another way to explain this phenomenum. On friday nights (which I usually do my runs), people don't have to work the next day, so they could afford to stay up and hang around at ECP. That's why I had all the cabs I wanted at around 9 plus. On thursday night, everyone had to go back early for work next day. So I had to compete with the world for cabs at around 9 plus.

I swear I will never do my runs again on anyday other than a friday night!

So how on earth am I going to get home with all these competition? If I were to faithfully just follow law and wait for a taxi to come my way with all these people around,

I will never make it back.

And I had already wasted 1 hour trying to get a cab. Time check: 2215. Usually I would have been home by 2130. Sigh.

I must get out of this place if I were to have any chance of getting a vacant cab. But without vacant cabs how am I going to get out of this place? Chicken and egg question. Lucky I am a rather unorthodox person.

Just be shameless and hitch a ride from someone and get out of this place first.

Thus I stood hawkishly at the taxi queue. The next cab that comes along I will pounce on it irregardless of whoever approaches it first.

A few minutes later, a cab came true to my expectations. A rather hostile couple went into it. The guy was clearly pissed off at having to wait so long for a cab.

Ok better not be a light bulb and antagonise a fire boar. I shall wait for the next cab to come.

My heart sank when another hostile looking couple went up to the next cab. The guy got ang kongs all over his arms. The girl smoked until she looked like a chimmey. Would I be kidnapped and sold to Desker Road if I got into this cab? But inexplicably, they got out.

The cab was not going in their direction.

A young lady reacted swiftly and pounced on the cab before me. This might be my only chance to get out of this cursed place. I better act fast. I put on my most pitiful and desperate face and opened front door of the cab.

"Miss, may I hitch a ride to wherever you are going? I desperately need to get out of here because it's so hard to get a cab!"

他妈的... Sounded so 琼瑶。It's like I will 陪你走到天涯海角like that. So mushy. I think she must be super chua dio lah.

But somehow it worked! She agreed to let me tag along free of charge! Must have been the tears (of desperation) that sparkled in my eyes which did the trick.

I triumphantly rode my way out towards Bedok. Yes I was clearly embarassed with my bold behavior, and yet grateful to the generosity of the young lady. The cab driver let me off somewhere near Tweety's house.

Now comes the key question. Was my reasoning right? i.e. It would be easier to get a vacant cab as long as I am out of ECP.

I wouldn't know for sure. My previous experience of getting vacant cabs at this area was pretty good because I used to take cabs home from my camp (which also happened to be around here).

Would I be rewarded again tonight?

Let's just cross the road, then wait and see. 5 seconds later, not 1 but 3 vacant cabs appeared out of the slip road and sped towards me! I even had the luxury of choosing which brand I wanted. Comfort, Citycab, or SMRT.

I knew I had reached the promised land.

I took the Citycab taxi home because my dad also drives for Citycab.

So here I am, drinking my brother's heartwarming campbell soup and writing all these happening stuff online. I wonder what would happen if I did not shamelessly approach that lady for help. I wonder what time would I reach home if I just followed law. In any case,

If not for that cab, I will still be drinking tears at ECP.

Blog (Week 6)

Haven't had time to write blogs for blogspot these days, because I have a blogging assignment from NIE!

One of my modules require us to blog weekly. Sai. That explains why my scarce blogging energies was sapped up by a non-appreciative audience.

Anyway I had decided to "da bao" one of the blogs from my assignment for everyone to take a look. Sounds like the most meaningful/sane piece of shit I had put up over there so far.

Blog (Week 6) - edit history delete
Created on Thursday, 02/22/2007 10:33 PM by . KHOO SHUN CHIH (PS0607)
Updated on Thursday, 02/22/2007 10:40 PM by . KHOO SHUN CHIH (PS0607)

I think I had missed out on last week’s blog.

Nevermind, I think it would be all right to “da bao” one week’s worth of blog from Dr Khong. At most she also “da bao” one week’s worth of marks from me. That would only be fair.

Anyway I am seldom so “hardworking”, as in posting a new entry on a weekday. However it would be a good idea to write down my reflections and thoughts after Mdm Aslinah’s sharing session while they are still fresh in my mind.

I found her opinions very refreshing, since the bulk of the module had been emphasising on homes as important stakeholders due to the school-home partnerships. Then came along a practitioner at ground level telling us that “students comes first, students first, students are our primary stakeholder, everything we do is for the benefit of the students.”

That really highlighted the gulf between NIE as a “think tank” institution and schools the “reality”. I feel that an exposure to both extremes is important for the complete development of a teacher. No point having a teacher who is so idealistic that none of his/her ideas can be implemented. Also no point having a teacher who is so jaded and seasoned that he/she rejects any refreshing changes/solutions.

I rather liked her ending message, which was about “staying true to the service”. Teaching is not a lucrative job, but it provides more than enough to get by. Since we are all in it, we should make the most out of it. It will be encouraging to know that at the end of the day, we had done something to change the lives of students positively, or at least make their learning experience more enjoyable.

I was a victim of teachers who were highly proficient in their CK and PCK such that their lessons were a mechanized production of ’A’ producing products/students year after year. I am grateful to them for the quality education they provided, but not so grateful for the quality of time spent in the classroom.

The greatest testimony a teacher could receive from students would be the memories of the time spent in the classroom with the teacher. It would be a tragedy if students could not remember anything, or could only remember the grades they got in that subject, or worse remember the teacher for all the wrong reasons.

Whenever I look at my brother before he leaves for school, it was a reflection of what I was during my school days. “Sian, have to wake up early and be tortured to tears again.” or “wah today have a lesson from this )@)(#@*%#(&%*(#$&. I don’t want to go to school already!”

Sounds like schools haven’t improved much over the years.

Why not do something such that they would think “wow today this guy is coming to give us a lesson again. Sometimes he is funny, sometimes he is lame. He knows our names and is concerned about our grades. His assignments we can manage and he encourages.”

I think if anyone could ever do the above, students will confirm wake up with a rage... err I mean wake up with a start in the morning before they go to school.

A clown cannot teach, a clown can only entertain. A sage can teach, but a sage might find it hard to entertain. So a teacher should be somewhere in the middle.

A sagely clown? Or a clowning sage?

No. A teacher should just remain as what he or she is, because he or she is unique.

That is simply, a teacher.

Singapore vs Thailand (2nd leg)

I am ashamed to be a Singapore fan. I did not rush home after my game this evening to catch the live telecast of Sg vs Thailand. Reason?

Lions are lame. Thailand sure tok them if they play their usual game.

So there I was, dilly dally with Bollocks at the kopi-tiam near the field where we played our game today. We spent close to 50 mins criticising how fucked up they are instead of showing our support for them. Finally we had enough of the talk cock session and made our way home for the 2nd half.

When I switched on the tv, yeah. The result was as expected. Singapore was trailing by a goal. And Thailand had so much of the possession at this stage of the match (55++ mins), a second goal was beckoning.

And that goal almost materialised. I don't know what the fuck Aide and Lewis were doing. Aide let Sutee beat him, slide and got nothing, Lewis saw that and also slided and did nothing. The ball trickled to another thai player. The made a fucked up connection, then luck seemed to favour thailand again. The ball rolled nicely into the path of Nutnum. He just had to lap the ball firmly into either side of the goal and sg's misery would be completed. I really thought that was a gone fuck situation liao. How can the ball tyco-ly ended up in the possessions of two thai players in the box in succession? Confirm lady lucked wanted thailand to win, to redress the grievance Ravi caused at the national stadium.

Nobody expected Noh Rahman to make such a SUPERB, last ditch sliding tackle to save the ball. Really reminded me of Borhan Abu Samah's goal line clearance during the sg selangor match at Shah Alam stadium 12 years ago. The moment that ball went out, I felt something.

There was hope.

After that wake up call, the lions began to be more conscious in keeping possession to break down thailand's momentum. That worked. Cui kia (Amri) was running round like a circus, his touches failing him and Singapore every time he touched the ball. He was depriving me of the hope I stubbornly held onto.

Just then, sg won a free kick at the right flank. Cheena boy sui sui floated the ball into the box, Iskak the hard breast chested the ball way too far in front of him for him to control it. Just as all hope was lost, Alam sprang in front and made a mid air left foot volley which disappointingly ended up in the keeper's hands.

The longer Sg tried to hold on, the longer the pain in all the hearts of the fans lingered. It was like dying a slow and painful death. I wanted to switch off the tv liao.

The ball was passed to cui kia again. He was going to clown around and frown on the ground yet again. Cui kia shielded the ball and made a nice turn.

He shook off his marker.

Thonglao went to ji siao him, but he did not foul cui kia because thailand somehow did not give him much respect. They also had the idea that cui kia would self-destruct sooner or later. And so the defenders backed off and backed off.

Cui kia just tapped the ball forward and forward with small enterprising steps.

By the time cui kia reached the edge of the box, the thai defenders still did not close him down. Niweat Sirawong still steped away to allow cui kia a free shot at goal. They must be thinking he wouldn't have the composure to shoot properly, since the keeper was between the the space shown by the defenders.

Cui kia just lap the ball with his outstep. The sweet curl of the ball chopped the top right hand corner of the net.

GGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Even as he was running around like a clown for good this time, even his facial expressions betrayed his own belief that he actually scored a potential winner for sg. That "wu ya bo" look followed by wiping his face with his palm was that tell tale sign.

Cui kia had a fucked up AFC in my opinion. 99% of his touches were like sai. But the 5 touches he made before he struck that goal were flawless. (Control + turn + tap + tap + shoot). All his lousy misses and lame first touches were forgiven.

Mr Amri, without you we would not have won the match. I thank you for the goal that rekindled national pride in Singapore soccer.

This time, we became dai gor for the third time.

This time, we became dai gor on foreign soil for the second time.

But most importantly,

This time we won the cup from thailand for the first time.

Eason Chan Live in Singapore 2007!!!

Just got back from Eason Chan’s live in Singapore 2007 on 06/01/2007!!!

It had been the concert I had been waiting for since he released “Shi Nian” a few years back. I almost couldn’t believe my luck last September that tickets were on sale for this upcoming performance today!

That made me one of the first to book a ticket.

That early move paid off handsomely as I was rewarded with a pretty decent seat in my area. It was a blessing in disguise to have bought the $68 (the cheapest) one because those were the only elevated seats in the whole expo. For people like me who would be there to appreciate music and not jostle with the crowd, a seat that did not require me to tilt my head up to the stage and kept me away from the fanatics was everything I could ask for.

His opening number, “Bu Ru Zhe Yang” was spectacularly choreographed to usher his introduction. It began with just a spot light shone on the stage, with the silhouette of a man holding a guitar singing the beginning of the song. We didn’t even know that was a translucent curtain until it fell off emphatically upon the first word of the chorus!

And guess what? He was there all along with his band behind the curtains.

There he was, singing and playing to a guitar slung to his shoulder. So cool! I was very impressed with the quality of the sound reproduction. His voice was flawlessly reproduced on the speakers, crystal clear. That alone already made up for the also good lightings and lack of dancers (as compared to his Hong Kong version.)

Perhaps since this was the opening number, the lighting effects were more varied and spectacular than the rest of the songs. (Except for Lonely Christmas. That was song with the most effects in the entire concert.) But it was ok. I was very impressed with the introduction!

As with most concerts, the first few songs would be dominated by higher tempo ones while the singer was still fresh and had the energy to hop and dance. Although Eason did not win his accolades by his quick numbers, his notorious bubbly personality did not make those songs seem like making up the number. In fact, it livened up the whole atmosphere. As he admitted it later,

“I am going to lose 2 pounds after all these jumping.”

He was also a born joker.

“Lei dei hou mou? Ngoh yi ga zam see zong OK lah.”
(How are you guys doing? I’m still doing fine now.)

“My daughter looks like me? Of course man. If not look like you meh?”
I bet none of us paid just to listen to his more obscure songs. WE WANT HIS GREATEST HITS LIVE ON THE STAGE!

I think whoever planned the sequence of the songs was smart. There were no two great ballads in a row. Every ballad was sandwiched either by an obscure song or some Cantonese ding dong which I could not make sense of (with my limited Cantonese). Nonetheless with the quality of his voice, even Ma-ri-ki-ta would sound like a #1 hit on radio.

That’s the magic of a great singer. Their vocals alone can even make you enjoy songs that you don’t understand.

As I waited the whole night for its arrival, it came with the most subtle hint from the singer himself.

“The composers and I had this in mind when we came up with this song. We hoped that whoever listened to it will try to communicate better with his or her family and friends.”

What else could that song be? It was none other than SHALL WE TALK!!!

This was taken at the moment he began the song.















Sigh, by the time two great ballads DID come in a row, they were the last two songs of the concert. “Sheng Dan Jie and Ming Nian Jing Ri.”

“I am one of the few privileged singers to have my own Christmas song. I hope you will enjoy it.”

Just by listening to that song in my car could put me into a trance. Now you want me to witness it sung live by the MAN himself in the midst of blown pieces of streamers simulating snow?

His final number was one of my favourite which I happened to catch Tweety singing it secretly in his room back in RH days. I seriously hope next year this time he will be back again for another concert. That will be confined to my day dreams though…

Unless I am willing to pay $6.8M for a ticket instead of $68.

Although he had disappeared from the stage, everyone knew that was an encore call. The crowd didn’t disappoint though, everyone crammed the front of the stage instead of leaving. Eason was back after a short rest.

To sum up the night, while his lesser known songs were able to generate a sense of respect from the audience out of his superb vocals, it were his hits that kept the audience captivated and mesmerized time and again. That surreal feeling that kept resurfacing time and again from “Bu Ru Zhe Yang”, “Ni De Bei Bao”, “Shall We Talk”, “Sheng Dan Jie”, “Ming Nian Jing Ri”, “Dui Bu Qi Xie Xie” and many more was testament to an unique aura that only an accomplished singer like him could command. While he was going through those songs, I could only watch in awe at the quality of the performance. Every cent of the $68 paid was more than worth it. I will regret not spending that money.

Nonetheless all good things have to come to an end. This time, he made sure he bade a perfect farewell.

“You are beautiful! Thank you SINGAPORE!”

Thank you Eason for this wonderful night too.

I DID IT!!!

We had a pretty good game today. Perhaps the opponents made us look good. I wouldn’t say a team of middle aged men would pose much of a resistance to us, but nonetheless a good win was a good game.

Since this was the last game of the year, why not enjoy ourselves and go out with a bang?

It was as enjoyable seeing everyone play with confidence as much as playing the game. I ruled the defence for once. After only 20 mins into the game, we were 3-0 up.

Then it had to come.

Farid was brought down in the box, and the ref did not hesitate to award a penalty. Once again, everyone turned their gaze to me. I knew I can’t run away. I had to take it.

Take it easy and take it the way I had rehearsed in my mind all these while.

Put the ball down on the spot, left boot to its left, right boot at the point of contact with the ball. Then take four steps back. Right foot back, left foot back, right foot back again, the left foot back. Go slightly further back to compensate for the greater strides from running later. Aim for the lower right corner. Just think of the lower right corner.

Now just wait for the whistle.

“PEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Left foot forward, take a look at the ball. Right foot forward, take a look at the target. Left foot forward again and take a last look at the ball, then strike the ball with the right foot!

“Please go to the lower right hand corner…”

My heart dropped when the keeper stayed his ground and did not dive. My shot was not struck very accurately so it drifted more to the centre. Fortunately, the keeper did not dive to the right either. He just landed on his ass and saw the ball sail past his left thigh.

GOAL!!!

My immediate celebration might a bit extravagant, but for those who knew the hat trick of misses earlier on, they forgave me.

Finally, I managed to get a goal before the year ended. And what a way to lay the previous ghosts to rest before the New Year began.

Happy New Year’s Eve everyone!!!

Standard Chartered Marathon 2006

Today is SCM '06 – the day of my first marathon. Instead of waking up with zest and anticipation, I was shrouded by a cloud of uncertainty instead.

“Will my archilles tendon give way in the middle of the race? What will be the maximum I can last?”

I was particularly worried about my maximum distance because I did not do anything close to 30 km in my trainings. Why didn’t I train until 30? Procrastination, haze, busy rushing assignments, underestimation of the distance during my trainings, inexperience…

Excuses.

I should have done a better and earlier preparation for it. Anyway it was too late to be worried about all these. The race will start in 2 hours’ time. Try my best and see how things go.

I was on my way to the start point after a can of red bull, 1 litre of water, and 2 bars of snickers.

Atmosphere at the esplanade was rather inspiring. The emcee said something which I found quite meaningful later on in the race.

“This is your own race. Yes, I mean you the guy from Chua Chu Kang who travels to Shenton Way to work everyday. You, the lady who lives in Pasir Ris. All of you, ordinary people from all walks of life. This is your race! Make sure you look up and lift your chest when you cross the finishing line. You deserve it!”

You go, dude.

There wasn’t much time to let the mind wander around. The race was going to start soon. Better concentrate and consolidate my energies on the road ahead.

The full-marathon runners clearly impressed me with their attitude. I was able to begin on a jogging pace immediately after the start line. That wasn’t the case for the previous races I had participated. I used to walk for a kilometer or two after the start line in AHM.

The first 27 km were pretty comfortable. It took me through parts of marina south before first light came, a Shenton Way not used to a different type of crowd occupying its streets, the never ending stretch from Nicoll Highway to Fort Road, and 2 km past ECP Macdonalds.

Finally I felt the tendon.

To be on the safe side I did not persist, but took a short break at the water point. Managed to get some ice from the volunteers to treat the inflammation. It felt better almost immediately. After around 100m of walking I started jogging again. I was determined to put in an honest effort for this marathon.

I would not walk if I could jog.

That jogging brought me over the psychological barrier of the ECP turning point, all the way to the 30 km mark. That was then I felt a very weird fatigue engulf me. It was not the usual kind of fatigue that made me sleepy from playing hard court soccer or table tennis. Nor did it make me feel weak like working out in a gym. In fact I felt very alert and awake, but something was burning in my chest. I needed to gasp for air just to keep that fire down, and the burning just restrained my legs from making that one more step.

I had read somewhere that glycogen in the body will be depleted around the 30-32 km mark. After that the body would turn to the fat reserves to compensate energy. But fat does not burn as efficiently as glycogen, which will result in a commonly known event as "hitting the wall."

I never knew that burning of fat was such a different feeling from the burning of glycogen.

Moreover I am a skinny person, so I do not have much fat to burn. Compared to a fatter person at this stage, I should feel more tired than him/her. To make things worse, I am starting to feel the cramps. I still have 12 km to go. What should I do?

Just as my legs started to limp uncontrollably, some of the best images of my life suddenly surfaced before my eyes. Like old friends coming forth with their encouragement.

The sharp pain in my left calf broke me out of my trance.

I knew it would be impossible to complete the rest of the distance by jogging. For someone who ran and exercised regularly, it definitely dealt a huge blow to my ego. Even if I were to reach the finishing line later, the satisfaction would no longer be there. I could not meet my target of completing this marathon by running. Why continue since I am no longer enjoying it?

To make things worse, it threatened to rain at the 32km mark (the Fort Road exit of East Coast Park).

I was highly demoralized by then. My cramped up legs, the inflamed Achilles tendon, the slight drizzle which had already descended, the inexplicable fatigue from glycogen depletion, not able to make it back in 6 hours… I just stood there in the middle of the crowd watching people overtake me.

It was at this moment that I saw an image that would stay in my mind for a long time to come. It was an old man jogging in such small steps that he would faster if he walked. Yet he persevered with his small steps. I wanted to question his reason for not taking the more efficient alternative by walking, and his Adidas “Reason” tag secured at his back gave everyone the answer.

“The beauty is in the quality of the steps you make.”

Irregardless of how fast you completed the marathon, irregardless of how others do better than you, irregardless of how incompetent you are. No matter how slow a runner may be, as long as each step he/she made at that point in time was the best effort put in, the honesty involved made it flawlessly beautiful.

Isn’t it the same in life? As long as we tried our best and put in our best effort in whatever decisions we make, the results are inconsequential. To put it simply,

No regrets at the end of the day.

Regrets = Something could have been done to make it better along the way = Not the best effort put it.

No Regrets = Even if I had the chance to do it all over again, I would still produce the same result = I had done all that I could.

That same old man was about 50m ahead of me getting ready to turn out into Fort Road. From this moment onwards I knew there could only be one image of a dashing man in my mind.

Not those handsome men with well-built bodies parading on tv.

But someone who had the courage to go on despite things not going their way.

Just like that old man who was taking his own but assured small steps. Just like the lady who limped on despite the obvious pain that she was feeling.

And I just realised I was one of these beautiful people around.

That gave me the determination to go on. It was hard to believe that moments ago, I was feeling so disgusted with myself for not able to complete this thing by jogging. Now I am proud of myself for walking. Nonetheless a lot of pressure was relieved when I lowered my expectations of myself. It was then that I began to appreciate the strangers cheering for all of us along the way.

The group of tai tais toasting champagne to use all morning at Fort Road. The ang mo who literally shouted at everyone who dared to walk in his area at ECP. The man who held up his banner at Kallang which so deeply touched me. It said,

“Silent warrior. The body will give excuses, but it is mind over matter.”

And of course, people from churches and many others more giving out water melons, bananas, drinks, deep heat, lubricants, every goodie you could think of.

And now who said Singapore is a society full of selfish people?

As I filled myself with more positive thoughts along the way, the journey seemed to pass faster and became more enjoyable. There were a couple of times where I chatted with strangers as if they were friends of mine, just because I offered to share my deep heat with them while stretching. But I had to break paths with them somehow, as I insisted on not walking if I could jog.

That brought me sooner than expected to the Esplanade. By now the morale was high among all of us. No one wanted to cross the line limping like a fool if we could afford the last bit of energy. From the 41km mark onwards, there were more joggers than walkers.

42km mark. The beginning of the last stretch of the race. As I took my first step into the final 195m, the huge gantry above it shouted out my timing loudly.

5:40:39+++

Goodness, I am still within my target of finishing below 6 hours! What a nice twist at the end. That drove me to a striding pace all the way to the finish.

I was glad that I had completed it finally. The feeling of running that last 195m was simply magical. The crowd, the noise, the ambience, the huge gantry which loomed closer and closer, and of course,

The beckoning of a personal milestone.

They simply drowned all the bitching made at the 30km mark. Right now I couldn’t be more proud of my trashed legs, my more than exhausted self, and the cool looking finisher’s tee.

Among the many important lessons I had brought away with me from this experience, one clearly stood out.

More often than not, things are very much different from what we had thought to be. Just take it easy with no regrets and life will be great.

That doesn’t mean I will take it easy on my preparation for SC 2007. Because from another one of the lessons learnt, preparing for a marathon is a serious business. If I tried to cut corners in my preparation, the distance will not lie, and they will prevail ultimately.

I still haven’t completed my objective of completing a marathon by running. But I know someday I will get it done. It may not be 2007, it may be much later. But even if that day finally arrived, it can never displace the significance of SCM 2006 in my life. Because in 2006,

I learnt humility from the most painful 12 kilometres of my life.

Sorao Miagete

Finally time to post new entries on this blog!

Life away from assignments and deadlines sure felt good! For once the mind is not occupied by things to be done. A holiday can never be called a holiday unless the mind gets a good rest.

This week also marked the unofficial start of my holidays. I haven’t made much plans yet. Just wanted to complete my marathon first and see how things go. Come to think of it, time really flies. It didn’t feel that long ago that I was still living the days of sleeping in the bunk and playing lan at Gann Boon’s lan shop.

Those were the good old days man.

I proclaim to have pretty good driving skills in real life, but in that stupid SAF computer game called “flashpoint resistance”, no one dared to long pang in my rover. Why? I always ram into a tree or tried to cheong straight into the enemy in a valiant effort to run them down. In the end I either ran down MY OWN TEAMMATES running in the same direction or gave my friends a lift to the afterworlds. Anyone, ANYONE, who took a ride in my land rover will end up with a computer screen bathed in red, and then their character will become a little bird after a few minutes.

After while my friends devised an effective way to handle the (would be wasted) vehicular resources under my atrocious driving. To prevent wastage of scarce vehicles in the game, they would climb up onboard beside me and blast their rifles off in my direction. After that another guy would take over the wheels and continue with the game, while I became a little bird. Ok lah, at least they still bothered to expend 01 x magazine worth of rounds on me. At least I am not worth a one bullet kill.

My fortunes did not become better when I became the passenger. Perhaps used to that bad habit of shooting the GREAT driver, they would BLAST THEIR RIFLES off in my direction the moment I hopped on board. Driver or not, my fate with the rover is closely tied to a little bird in the sky.

I don’t blame them. My gaming skills are right in the pits. All I could contribute to the game was to pick up an anti-tank weapon and fire a missile in the direction of my friends’ rover. The explosion that followed was simply beautiful.

Unfortunately my destructive influence in the games I participated earned me unwanted reputation, and thanks to that reputation I was almost ousted from the lan shop by Gann Boon and friends. Fortunately, one magical word I learnt from the malay driver saved the day.

Tolong.

Finally they relented and allowed me to stay in the lan shop till my last days in camp. Thanks guys. You simply rock.

There were many other unforgettable moments back in those days. I had better write the following one down before I forget it in future.

The day I spent up on the mountain with sergeant (NS) Sammy and Tan Yeat Cheong.

Ok lah, maybe I was exaggerating. The knoll was only 100+ metres high so it was strictly not a mountain. I don’t think my flat on the 30th storey is higher than bukit timah, so that knoll we were on that day was at least 30th storey high.

We were supposed to provide surveillance to an axis which a convoy of enemy tanks would most likely take. To sidetrack, we were THE enemy during that exercise. The convoy of tanks were the SAF, the good guys. So in order to provide reliable spying service on that axis, we had to be in position by the night before. But since it was too dark and dangerous to climb up the knoll at night,

We just slept through the night at the foot of knoll.

At 0600, we were up and alive. Daylight kicks in pretty early at that time of the year in Queensland. First light came on a daily average at 0530 hours. By 0630, we were up on the top.

What a sight it was up there!

A clear blue sky blanketed the land as far as the horizons allowed. Apart from the range of mountains to our north (called the Polygon Range), there was nothing to obstruct the endless piece of sky above us. Compared to Singapore where buildings always blocked out parts of the sky,

What I was seeing then must have come from the heavens.

Immediately I felt happier. The fresh air, serenity, and space up there were so beautiful and yet precious. Mai tu liao. Chop chop spread out the ground sheet and lie down to admire the scenery.

There were different shades of blue. The lighter shades were closer to the horizon where the sun was rising. What captivated me were the darker shades that loomed right above.
They seemed to hint at the endless space beyond it.

The infiniteness of the universe. The insignificance of man.

Nature is so vast, so impressive, so beautiful, and yet so mysterious. Admiring nature never failed to make me and my problems feel so insignificant.

Just stop Tan Yeat Cheong from spoiling the ambience with his 101 facts about the penis.

As my gaze got absorbed into the surreal shades of blue, many good old memories and songs returned.

Hitotsu ai wo ushinau tabi
Whenever I fall out of love

Mi ni utsuru subete monokuro ni mieru
Everything I see turns monochrome

Futari yoku itta sutajium no shiai
We often used to go see the games at the stadium

Taisetsu na hi sae mou dou demo yoku natte iru
But the good old days mean nothing to me anymore

Daisuki na mono wa tatoe anata ga inakute mo
Even after you have gone, I still want to tell the world

Daisuki da tte iitai no ni
What is it that I truly love

Sorao miagete
Looking up to the sky

Namida koborenai you ni
I try holding back my tears

Kaze ni yureru furaggu iro azayaka na kinou
Flags were moving in the wind and things seemed brighter yesterday

Sorao miagete
Looking up to the sky

Yoku yume wo katatta ne
We used to talk about our dreams

Donna mubou na yume mo kanaisou na ki ga shita
No matter how far out of reach they seemed, dreams could come true

Ano kagayaki uso ja nai to itte yo
Tell me that fire in your eyes is not a lie.

Give Up?

Today I missed 2 penalties. TWO. The first one could have got us in the lead. The second could have won the game for us.

It’s time to call it a day. I shall tell everyone that not to waste hard earned penalties on me. Get someone else to take it. Score the goals and win the game. I’m not going to score next one and I’m not going to take it.

Why risk inviting more embarrassment, shame, disappointment, and insults from opponents and teammates? Why invite more damage to my already low confidence? Just insist on not taking the next one. Someone else will have to take it. The goals will come. There must be a reason why I’m not an attacker.

I really want to give up.

Right now the thought of taking another penalty scares me. I just want to run away. Say all you want. I am weak. I am fucked up. Whatever.

Especially the second penalty. When it was awarded, I had told Teh to take it himself. He had suffered a crunching tackle to win it. I am pretty comfortable standing away from it. No one disagreed with my rational decision either. I did not shamelessly insist on being some superstar which obviously I am not. But Teh pointed to no one but me after placing the ball on the spot. No one contested with Teh’s decision since he was the one who won it. He had the right to do whatever he wanted with it. Then everyone started to look at me with Teh. Some even offered words of encouragement.

But they mattered little.

The ball still went out wide on the right post. No more spectacular efforts to blast the ball into the top corner. I just tried to place it in the bottom corner, but my technique still let me down. I couldn’t believe why Teh wanted me to take it. To sabo me? Come on man, penalties are rare stuff. Why waste them on me? Couldn’t you just fucking take them yourself and score the goals? I shouldn’t have volunteered to take the penalty the other day. Look at the mess I am in now.

But come to think of it. I still couldn’t understand why he kept faith in me despite 2 bad misses. But I am really grateful to Teh for that. Singapore is such a meritocratic place. There is very little tolerance for mistakes and failures. For someone to give up a golden chance generously for a clown like me really makes Teh such a valuable friend.

There were others who scorned too. I don’t blame them. I really fucked up the show. But I’m grateful to those who kept their faith in me despite putting disappointment on their faces time and again. Thanks to Teh, Keith, and Bernard for your encourage and assurance. Still, Bernard and Teh said some frightening stuff after the game.

Bernard, ”You are going to continue taking penalties until you break the duck. No one will take them until you score.”

Teh, “Good game Ah Lang. Next week’s penalty is still yours!”

Those lines really made me swallow a big gulp of saliva down my throat. I may not score the next one you know… I may have to disappoint you guys again. I still feel very scared and miserable now. The ghost is still haunting me.

But the fear of missing another penalty can never be worse than the fear of letting a pal like Teh down. For the support he had shown for all 3 misses so far, it doesn’t take an idiot to figure out that he is a generous man with his actions and words. If I were to let such a good man down, then I am really a shameless clown.

I may not even be allowed to take the next one. I may not even score even if I take it. I may drive home in such a miserable mood again. But I will seriously start practicing my shots everyday, in school and at home so as not to let my conscious down, not to let Teh down.

For such a person is hard to come by.

I am grateful to all the faith everyone has kept in me today. I won’t blame anyone if they lose that faith someday. I am just happy that there are people in this world who believed in me no matter how badly I do. I can suffer more humiliation and disappointment. I fell hard this time. But I need to fall. It’s all in the process of growing up.

Right now though, I still feel like crying from all the helplessness. But I will not give up.

Because you had believed in me today.